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Valentines Day love from the Grammar Police

You can’t say we don’t celebrate romance here on #HTWB … even the Grammar Police have, er, something to say about Valentine’s Day. If you want an alternative to the schmaltzy goo that permeates February 14th, you’re in the right place. Enjoy.

HTWB Valentines Day humor

Take my heart its yours on a plate. Keep it till you learn how to punctuate.

VALENTINE’S DAY WITH THE GRAMMAR POLICE

Roses are red, violets are blue
That’s just a cliché. Don’t like it? Go scr*w.

Violets is blue, roses is red,
Get noun/verbs together, you puerile d*ckhead.

And roses are red while violets are blue
Don’t start with conjunctions, they’re strictly taboo. [Read more…]

Valentine’s Day funnies … jokes and poems to make your day go with a, er, bang

As you can see here, I have been curating some tasteful little jokies in honor of Valentine’s Day. I’ve also written quite a few new ones for you.

If you want some laughs to spice up the kisses, hugs, flowers, chocolates, tête à tête dinners and romantic interludes, here you go….

Valentine’s Day rhyming couplets

Romantic first lines, not-so-romantic second lines

Funny jokes from HowToWriteBetter.netLove may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was p*ssed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you would hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes what you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But leave that paper bag on your face

I love your smile, your face, your eyes
And I’m real good at telling lies

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you has ruined my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That’s why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away
I guess you haven’t showered today

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe “go to hell”

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two bottles of vodka, one at a time

Your visage is perfect, your figure divine,
Now that I’ve drunk seven bottles of wine

How can I write this romantic epistle
When you look like a bulldog kissing a thistle?

And along similar lines, roses are red, violets are blue

Roses are red, violets are blue
Sugar’s unhealthy and so are you

Roses are red, violets are blue
Sorry I’m snotty, but I’ve got the flu

Roses are red, violets are blue
Never mind sh*gging, just pass me a brew

Roses are red, violets are blue
I’m quite good-looking; what happened to you?

Roses are red, violets are blue
Life was OK until I met you

Roses are red, violets are blue
Why that should be, I haven’t a clue

Roses are red, violets are blue
Please put the seat down when you’ve used the loo

Now how about …

Funny jokes from HowToWriteBetter.netViolets are blue, roses are red
I hate your guts and I wish you were dead

Violets are blue, roses are red
The last thing I’d go near is your smelly bed

Violets are blue, roses are red
You don’t look too bad with that bag on your head

Violets are blue, roses are red
Shame your backside is the size of a shed

Violets are blue, roses are red
Your beard is smelly – why not shave off your head?

And some slightly longer funnies…

Belted up
For Valentine’s Day a man told his wife he had bought her a new belt and a bag to go with it. As he handed her the wrapped gifts and she thanked him profusely, he said “You’re welcome, dear. I hope the vacuum cleaner works much better now.”

Guess who
A man walked into the post office of a small town one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then took out a perfume bottle and sprinkled the contents all over the envelopes. The first man’s curiosity got the better of him, so he walked up to the balding man and asked what he was doing.
“I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asked the first man.
“I’m the only divorce lawyer in town.”

Nice guy
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.”

Fishy
funny jokes from HowToWriteBetter.netA woman was in bed with her lover who also happened to be her husband’s best friend. They “entertained themselves” for hours, and afterwards, while they were just lying there, the phone rang.
Since it was her house, she picked up the receiver. Her lover watched her and listened intently, only hearing her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, she said, “Hello? Oh, hi! I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific! Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”
She hung up the telephone and her lover asked, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she replied, “that was my husband. He was telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

Wrong number
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend’s new telephone number, I dialed him – and got a woman.
“Is Mike there?” I asked.
“He’s in the shower,” she responded.
“Please tell him his girlfriend called,” I said and hung up.
When he didn’t return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. “This is Mike,” he said.
“You’re not my boyfriend!” I exclaimed.
“I know,” he replied. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour.”

Happy Valentine’s Day anyway! 

 

Now: want a really useful Valentine’s gift?

All available as instant downloads!

“Super Speeches”…how to write and deliver them well
“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write
“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

photo credit: Lulu Hoeller via photopin cc
photo credit: Lulu Hoeller via photopin cc
photo credit: muhawi001 via photopin cc

Writing poems for romantic occasions

I was looking out some love poems for a client the other day and found this wonderful old favourite by Elizabeth Barrett Browning – perfect for St Valentine’s Day, don’t you think?

Sonnets From The Portuguese

– Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday’s

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints,–I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life!–and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

So inspired was I by Browning’s beautiful words, that I decided to write some poems of my own to share with you this Valentine’s Day. Here goes…

On Valentine’s Day just last year

I slapped my true love round the ear

It came up in a blister

So he slept with my sister

Then left, shouting “tough titty, dear!”

 

Oh Valentine, will you be mine?

For your love, I really do pine!

What’s that? You would rather

Stick a knife in your father?

Piss off then, you’re well out of line.

 

Let’s hear it for Valentine’s Day!

Nonstop kisses and hugs and foreplay

It’s all hearts and flowers

For 24 hours

Then it’s back to our bitch-slapping way.

 

No, I don’t plan to give up the day job yet.

Now, for some slightly more serious writing help…

“Super Speeches”…how to write and deliver them well

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

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