Alternative facts: it’s official. Bullsh*t is beautiful.

Now that we’re free to say we’re sharing “alternative facts” when we bullsh*t, doesn’t that just open up a fantastic new range of possibilities for us all? Here are some ideas to get you started, but please share your own alternative facts in the comments below. Welcome to this wonderful new world!

Alternative facts on HTWB

Simply lie through your teeth with bloody hard whacks, and poof! It’s fake news that you’re selling.

ALTERNATIVE FACTS

Don’t you just love these alternative facts?
Perfect solution to boring truth telling
Simply lie through your teeth with bloody hard whacks
And poof! It’s fake news that you’re selling.

Now for a change let’s create happy facts
So there’s no longer cause for a hard grouse
Like, there’s been a b*lls-up: we can all now relax
Homer Simpson’s in charge at the White House.

While over in Britain we gave Brexit the axe
And returned to our neighbours so Europhile
Then we hired Donald Trump to spend all his greenbacks
On a wall round himself and his hairstyle.

Alternative facts on HTWB

A McDonalds a day is just perfect.

Scientists finally brought new things to light
About just what foodstuffs are now correct
Turns out all that healthy stuff’s really pure sh*te
And a McDonalds a day is just perfect.

Global warming was next on our list of attack
But we cooled ourselves down again neatly
Shutting up politicians made the temperature slack
No more hot air? No problem. That sweetly.

Alternative facts on How To Write Better

They lived ever after so happily.

Next Mr Putin was high on our hacks
But we gave him the chance for a remedy
With a pretty young mare and an outfit Cossacks
They lived ever after so happily.

Political correctness was shaken up silly
When Parliament voted to dump it
Now a spade is a spade, and a willy, a willy
And the word’s “F***” when anyone humps it.

The F-word, the C-word, they’re making comebacks
In schools, in the workplace, in synagogues
No longer obscene but representing “real” facts
And used freely by Royals and demigods.

Alternative facts on HTWB

Don’t you just love these alternative facts?

So what else can we do with alternative facts?
The prospects for mischief are mind-blowing
We’ll nix all the weirdos and other prize tw*ts
And the people who’re farting and bellowing.

What a lovely new world we can make for ourselves
Full of fantasy, fun and such happiness
With alternative facts stacked up like bookshelves
Full of beautiful bullsh*t and crappiness.

One thing that’s scary with alternative facts
Although here we can have bits of fun with some
Out there in the real world they’re used like an axe
And some silly b*ggers believe in them…

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If you enjoyed this, there are dozens more humorous poems and music articles right here on #HTWB
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Have you read your Huff Post today?

Mischieverse is coming…

Excerpted from “Mischieverse: rude humour that sort-of rhymes”

by Suzan St Maur
to be published in 2017
by Corona Books UK
© Suzan St Maur 2017

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