Canada Day 2017: why I’m a bad Canadian, in (funny) verse

A very happy Canada Day to all of you who would appreciate it! Here is my confession to being a lousy Canadian … well most of the time, anyway…

Canadian flag(But have a great day anyway, eh?)

BAD CANADIAN

I’m a Canuck born and bred
From Kingston in Ontario
Torn from there by parents, led
to England’s supposed glorio.

Yes, the lure of fish and chips
Has made me think I’m British
(But since then the best fish nips
I’ve eaten were Quebecish!**)

I love to drink white Chardonnay
That’s mainly from Australia.
Canadian Chard is great today
But costs an arm and a legia.

Does it taste good? Yes it does
But I am a cynical boozer
Cheaper though from distant Oz
Than Ontario wines? A loser.

The great Poutine makes me turn green
The gravy, fries and cheese curds
How can a person vent one’s spleen
About these ****ing rats’ turds?

People rant about the flav-
…our of this hideous mixture.
Yet its reviews are mainly raves
Wherever it gets its fixture.

Beaver tails give me heartburn
Most sweet and few are savoury
Why can’t we cut that oily turn
And give them much more flavoury?

Tim Horton’s doughnuts are obscene
And Timbits make it funky
They’re sugar poison quite unseen
(But f**k, they taste soooo hunky.)

And then there’s Timmie’s coffee taste
I have to say I love it
So maybe I’m not a Canuck waste
Can I now rise above it?

One hundred fifty years it’s been
Since all this business started
We may seem young, just really sprung
And childlike, we have f*rted

But now we’re clear of evil scum
That older countries deal with
We know and love where we come from
And know just what we feel with.

And of course we honour those
Who lived here long before us
We’re all one nation that we close
Into our love that makes us.

Whatever happens, now it’s time
To celebrate our nation
Canada Day, our country’s prime
I love you. Shit. Tarnation.

**It’s true. The best fish and chips I have eaten in a long time are served at a restaurant called Le Hiboux, in Wakefield, Quebec.

A very happy Canada Day to you all!

For more of Suzan’s funny poems, take a look here

Poetry on HTWB

Mischieverse is coming…

Coming soon: “Mischieverse: rude humour that laughs at life’s irritations”

by Suzan St Maur
to be published in 2017
by Corona Books UK
© Suzan St Maur 2017

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  1. YEAH – Canada!!!!!!

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