Whether you love cats or hate them, they are an endless source of entertainment and the butt of many jokes. And thankfully, they’ve got a way of always having the last laugh on us…as I’m sure nearly every cat owner in the world already knows!
I watched for several days as my husband patiently “trained” our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
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They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the door to leave. As they did, the cat scooted back into the house.
They didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. So the wife went out to the taxi while the husband went inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife didn’t want the driver to know the house would be empty.
She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” he said, as they drove away. “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and put her out into the backyard!”
The cab driver hit a parked car.
20 Things Cats Must Remember
- Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
- I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
- If I play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.
- If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
- The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I must not watch him constantly because it is making him neurotic.
- If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
- I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching “The X-Files.”
- My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.
- Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
- No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human’s earrings are not cat toys.
- The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.
- I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.
- I will never be able to walk on the ceiling: staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.
- It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee.
- If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.
- The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.
- I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
- The large dog in the back yard next door has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.
- If I must give a present to my human’s overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn’t as tasty.
- As talented as I may be with kitty litter, my human will not be impressed with my attempts to build sand castles in the litter box.