Why a roaring open fire is not always delightful…

As we say goodbye to chilly winter in the northern hemisphere, here’s a reminder of one of winter’s pleasures (unless you’re the one who has to clean it up) … in verse, from my forthcoming rude tome, Mischieverse. (NB: language has been tidied for a family audience…)

humorous poem about open fires

Want a fire? OK, right… Stack it up and light it then, next day YOU clean up the sh*te.

ROARING FIRE

Oh, I love an open fire
Such a welcome sight to see [Read more…]

Have you ever swallowed more than a pill from a blister pack?

Trust me, that’s not as ridiculous as it sounds. And to warn you of its dangers, here is another excerpt from Mischieverse, my upcoming volume of somewhat rude poetry…

Blister packs from Mischieverse on HTWB

Trust me, blister packs can fool you, never shove their stuff up yours

BLISTER PACKS

Blister packs, heady whacks
Why are these so fiddly?
Break your nails, right off the rails [Read more…]

St Patrick’s Day: celebrate great Irish writers with HTWB…

st patricks day on HTWB

“Irish improves a poet.” Sina Queyras

In honour of St Patrick’s Day, here are some of my favourite quotes by wonderful Irish poets and other writers … enjoy!

George Bernard Shaw

*Youth is wasted on the young.
*You use a glass mirror to see your face: you use works of art to see your soul.”
*I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversations.
*Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. [Read more…]

Are man buns hair, or tumors rare?

As man buns are so fashionable right now, I have written a Mischieverse poem about them.

Mischieverse on HTWB

Does it really have to be there, perched on some dear d*ckhead’s brain?

My own cynical little brain can’t help but wonder whether they are actual fashion statements, or perhaps malignant growths of evil trifids spurting forth from male humans’ heads in protest against the recent market decline in conventional horror genre stories? Please read and share your conclusions…

MAN BUNS

Man buns make my skin just crawl
Such f***ing stupid thinking
What do they hope to share withall
And all such crap so stinking? [Read more…]

How a big bully cat got what he deserved – from a bird

The true story of a cat who thought he ruled the world … until a blackbird with a temper tantrum taught him otherwise. The latest excerpt from my forthcoming book, Mischieverse…and please share your own cats-for-world-domination stories with us in the comments below…

HTWB TC cat

A great big bully, he became – the terror of the neighbourhood

THE BIG TC

Once upon a time there was
A cat called Big TC
(That stood for “Tiger Cat” of course)
A brutal puss, was he.

TC came from friends in Kent
Whose pussy had been ravaged [Read more…]

Why you can love and hate your cat at the same time

Have you noticed how cats have an uncannily perfect sense of timing? They drive you up the wall until you’re at screaming point, then turn on the charm faucet full blast so your fury just melts away at their cuteness?

Here is a tribute to them in verse, maddening little b*ggers…

Cat humor on HTWB

“But, er, where the feck are you now, you sneaky little gobsh*te?”

PUDDYTAT

Puddytat, I love you so, but your arrogance is stifling
When you yowl to get outside and force me to obey
You sit there, bored and yawing wide, your interest merely trifling
“I may go out, but maybe not. There’s time to spare till doomsday.”

Much as I respect my cats I do get twitchy waiting
For them to make decisions as to if it’s in or out [Read more…]

css.php