Want to write better? Some advice in (humorous) verse…

Fed up with reading articles on how to write better? Try a quick lesson in verse, instead … fresh from my hard-working keyboard. (And if you’d like to read some more funny poems, see here…)

funny poem about how to write better

HOW TO WRITE BETTER

Grammar fascists please take note now
Better not play games with me
Split infinitives then gloat how
You have got away scot-free…

Nor will stupid, foolish use of
Apostrophes in the wrong place
Get you more than my own tough love
(More likely a hard slap-ped face.) [Read more…]

A naughty poem about the POTUS and the FLOTUS

Enjoy some somewhat naughty verse based on observations of the USA’s Don and Mel on their recent worldwide travels …

EDIT SUNDAY JUNE 4th: As someone who lives within a short drive of the London (England) Bridge terrorist bombing atrocity last night, I just want to say how devastated I am and I hope in running this light-hearted poem it may help a little to lift the sombre mood in the UK today. Our thoughts are with the victims and their folks. xx

funny poem about the POTUS

Can you blame lovely FLOTUS ignoring his plans, when you think where his hands have been groping ya’?

POTUS AND FLOTUS

(With apologies to supporters of the current POTUS. Don’t worry, there are things to laugh about on the other team, too…)

POTUS and FLOTUS in Twenty Seventeen
A mismatch-ed couple, now that is for sure
Age, sex and customs of distance extreme
And lack of each other’s original culture.

One thing in common though, easy to spot
So simple to see why they congregated
Brain cells that simply don’t function a lot
And IQs that seem really “bigly” stagnated. [Read more…]

An election song to sing to doorstep canvassers…

If you’re in the UK you could be forgiven for saying you’re sick to death of local elections, general elections, referendums, etc. etc. So here is a little ditty you can recite or sing to the next group of canvassers to land on your doorstep, preferably to a tune similar to the first verses of Ella Fitzgerald’s “A Tisket, A Tasket.” (No, I’m not THAT old.)

funny poem about elections on HTWB

ELECTIONS

Elections, elections
Some purified collections
Of bullsh*t, pure bullsh*t
You really can’t deny. [Read more…]

Local advertisers: stop writing we-wee and start getting a decent ROI

Just over three years ago we published about the we-weeing problem in marketing material, and much as most pro writers like me bang on about it, it’s still raging away.

Local advertisers we-weeing on their customers HTWB

This historic little guy, Manneken Pis, has been we-weeing on people in Brussels, Belgium for 400 years. Fortunately this is good, for his business.

The reason why I am throwing the toys out of my pram this time is because I feel sorry for the ever-constant stream of local magazines that set up in all good faith, sell advertising space to local businesses, and go out of business themselves within a couple of years.

Why? Here’s my theory and it’s not their fault … it’s the fault of the we-wee local advertisers who, because they we-wee, don’t get the results they should from their advertising and so eventually abandon the local magazines as not cost-effective. Naughty, naughty and frankly, bloody ignorant.

Local advertisers: stop writing about how wonderful you are

(NB: After my rant, you’ll find 10 Tips on how to do it right, below!) [Read more…]

Another bumper edition of Daily Fail boo-boos

Who needs a joke book when you can read the UK’s Daily Fail and laugh at their hilarious mistakes? Here is the latest crop.

funny jokes and mistakes from the UK Daily Mail

“…as her horse comes in first place at the Gold Cup at Cheltenham races alongside husband Kieran Hayler” (NB: When this photo was taken Kieran was about one length behind the horse, hence out of shot, but was catching up.)

Watch you don’t spit your coffee out while reading the following…

At Victoria, trains were also heavily affected and a man was also taken to hospital after reportedly being hit by a newly-built entrance to the Underground station.
Get that newly-built entrance properly restrained before it hits someone else. [Read more…]

How to write a bloody awful blog post – update

It’s more than four years since this tongue-in-cheek article about business blogging appeared and looking at it again, I find it utterly terrifying.

writing bloody awful blog posts HTWB
Why? Because so little has changed. So little has improved. Day after day businesses are still churning out the bullsh*t I rather cruelly outline below.

So, Google, much as I would love to have updated the article to show how far we have come in four years’ worth of blogging experience, if I am to be honest with you, I can’t update a damned thing apart from one or two small points…

Let’s blog badly … and at least have a laugh about it

[Read more…]

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