Chicken humor in writing … clucking hilarious!

Warning: if you’re a poultry eater, do not keep chickens as pets – if you do, you’ll never touch alimentary chicken again, despite it being what most omnivores consider to be a healthy option. Almost every day I read stories of chickens rescued from the battery prisons to live their lives out with kind families who love them as pets.

Jokes about chickens

Whether you love chickens to eat, or as pets, or both … here are some jokes to lighten up these dull days of UK winter!

If I were to rescue battery chickens I would be every bit as soppy about them as I am about the other animals I rescue, but, er, let’s not go there now. Farmers, on the other hand, regard chickens as products; sad, I know, but their work feeds the world a lot better than I do. Sooo … enjoy!

Writing jokes about chickens doesn’t harm anyone (even chickens)

Given that we laugh at most things these days – especially written jokes about all sorts of things – here is a selection of some we find the funniest.

Learning curve
An urban yuppie moved from London to Suffolk and decided to take up farming. He went off to the supplier near his new Suffolk smallholding and said to the assistant, “100 baby chickens, please.” The assistant duly produced the 100 chicks.
A week later the man was back, and this time said, to the same assistant, “I’d like 200 baby chickens, please.”  The assistant complied.
A further week later the man was back again. This time he asked, “please may I have 500 baby chickens.”
“Goodness!” the assistant replied. “You must be doing well!”
“Well, I don’t think so,” said the man, looking perplexed. “I can’t quite work it out yet, but I reckon I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart…”

Chicken-hearted
The farmer’s son was coming home from the market with the crate of hens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and was split apart. He scrabbled about and managed to put the crate back together, but in the meantime the hens had scrambled off in all directions. The poor boy trotted for miles around the surrounding countryside gathering up the escaped birds and returned them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy nervously went back to his smallholding home, expecting the worst.
“Dad, the hens got away,” the boy owned up morosely, “but I managed to find all fourteen of them.”
“Well, you did a good job there, me lad,” the farmer smiled. “You left the market with eight.”

Tricky chicken
A man was driving along a rural road when he realized he had to make a phone call. He had forgotten to bring his mobile phone and was miles from a pay phone, so he decided to stop at the next farmhouse he found.
As he was approaching a house he noticed a three-legged chicken racing along the road. He followed the chicken and clocked it at 45 miles per hour.
When the man got to the farmhouse he asked the farmer about the chicken. The farmer replied, “Well, when I was at the university I studied genetics. Round here we love chicken and we’re all specially fond of the drumsticks, so I thought I’d see if I could make a three-legged chicken. I did, and that’s what you saw.”
The man was highly impressed. “Does it taste good?” he asked.
“Don’t know. Ain’t none of us been able to catch one yet.”

Chicken stew
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey Sammy Joe, whatcha got in th’bag?”
“Jes some chickens.”
“If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?”
“Shoot, if ya guesses right, I’ll give you both of ’em!”
“OK. Ummmmm…five?”

Flat chickens
An East Anglian farmer phoned the vet and said, “two of me chickens have stopped laying.”
“Really,” asked the vet, “how do you know?”
“Because,” the farmer replied, “I just ran over the b*st*rds in me tractor.”

Proud rooster
The minister had just finished an excellent chicken dinner at the home of a member of his congregation. Sitting on the patio after dinner he saw a rooster go strutting by. “That’s certainly a proud-looking rooster you have there,” the minister commented.
“Yes sir,” replied the farmer. “He has reason to be proud, one of his sons just entered the ministry.”

Not amused
A white rooster was strutting around the henhouse on Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every colour of the rainbow.
He took one look at the colourful display, ran outside and thrashed the daylights out of the resident peacock.

What chicken or rooster/cockerel stories do you love best?

Please share! And don’t be shy. Written jokes can’t harm anyone or anything … feathered or otherwise.

 

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