English language cringe makers: you need a sense of humor when you speak it

As we all know, English is one of the most ridiculous languages in its inconsistencies and is an endless source of funny jokes as a result. Here are some to give you a smile for today … and tomorrow. Read on for a groan, grump, giggle or all three.
English language cringe makers: you need a sense of humor when you speak it
Homophones
Johnny’s teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened the door, she asked “Are your parents in, Johnny?”
“They was in, but they is out now.” he answered.
The teacher gasped, “Why, Johnny Morton, it is ‘They were in, they are out now.’ Where’s your grammar?”
“She’s upstairs taking her nap.”

Get on with it
**In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.
**Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
**Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.
**Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.
**Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.
In short: be brief and don’t use big words.

Yet more reasons why English is so hard to learn
**The bandage was wound around the wound.
**The farm was used to produce produce.
**The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
**We must polish the Polish furniture.
**He could lead if he would get the lead out.
English language cringe makers: you need a sense of humor when you speak it**The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
**Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
**A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
**When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
**I did not object to the object.
**The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
**There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
**They were too close to the door to close it.
**The buck does funny things when the does are present.
**A seamstress and a sewer fell down into the sewer.
**To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
**The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
**After a number of injections my jaw got number.
**Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
**I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
**How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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English language driving you nuts? Some more solutions, with a smile
Click on the green titles here for other articles to give you a chuckle – and to help you write better, too.
Tautology: are you guilty of wasting words?
Business writing quiz: how many grammar questions can you get right?
Grammar is groovy. Haven’t you heard?
Grammar: if you’re going to get it wrong, get it REALLY wrong…
Essential, er, grammar rules
Do you get the syntax attacks? Here’s the cure…
Does your spelling make you want to spit?
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Double talk
**My furniture goes back to Louis the 14th (It will, if Louis doesn’t get paid before the 14th).
**I have a big following (Five finance companies, 3 department stores, 2 landlords and one collection agency).
**My ancestors go back as far as Columbus. (Some of them even went back as far as Chicago.)
**I dabble in oils. (He’s a gas station attendant.)
**My brother occupied a chair of applied electricity in a famous institution. (He went to the electric chair in the state pen.)

Reading instructions
The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.
It’s beyond me,” said the father, “how you got it together without even reading instructions.”
“To tell the truth,” replied the old-timer, “I can’t read, and when you can’t read, you’ve got to think.”

English English whoopsies from a few years ago
**Brian Johnson’s outstanding cricket commentary when he told the listeners,, “The batman’s Holding.  The bowler’s Willy”.
**Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1’s eclipse coverage remarked: “they seem cold out there, they’re rubbing each other and he’s come in his shorts.”
**Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: “some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.”
English language cringe makers: you need a sense of humor when you speak it**Ulrika Jonsson, a humble weather girl talking about snowfall when she revealed: “I had a good eight inches last night.”
**Lorraine Kelly on morning TV: “this year’s hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here to give our model one.”
**Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: “Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis’s misses every chance he gets.”
**Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown: “ah, ‘erection’, let’s see it up please Carol.”
**David Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt,said to expert Nigel Smith: “you’re a bit of a knockers man.” “Yes,” he replied. “I’ve come across quite a few in my time.”
**Chris Tarrant discussing the first Who Wants to be a Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on morning TV: “she was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night.”
**Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: “well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg.”
**Lady reporter discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad when she informed morning TV viewers: “just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel room.”
**Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: “with his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off.”
**James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix motor raced, asked: “what does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?”
**Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: “Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69.”
**Steve Cram covering the men’s 200 metres at the World Athletics championships: “pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside him.”
**Chain Letters host Allan Stewart discussing a 6ft 5in contestant called Richard when he told two women competitors: “That’s enough Dick for both of you.”
**Expert David Batty examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: “this is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen.”
**Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: “you’d eat beaver if you could get it.”

What English language cringe makers can you share?

Please add them here so we can all cringe together…

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