A tribute to the neighbour from hell – in verse…

There’s one in every village, small town or neighbourhood, isn’t there. The one who insists on flaunting their rights no matter how much it makes life hell for everyone around them.

Rumour has it that big blue van ... Once, shall we say, met with big misfortunes ...

Rumour has it that big blue van … Once, shall we say, met with big misfortunes …

Here’s a poetic tribute to the syndrome’s prize example in my village. May their private parts be infested by the fleas of a thousand camels, to utterly misquote what I gather is an old Arabic saying.

BIG BLUE VAN

Big, blue van, stubborn old man
Parks it on a hill outside his home
Couldn’t give a sh*t about the traffic jams
Must be missing several chromosomes.

Yes we can get around the blue van
When summer’s here and weather’s warm and dry
But when there’s snow and ice, there’s no way we can
Do more than slide and skid and stultify.

Big blue van, d’you think he dare
Park across the street when snow is falling?
B*gger you says he, it’s my right to park it there
And if you get stuck I’ll give you a stonewalling.

Big blue van has a history of abuse
Several accidents been caused by its huge presence
Damaged cars and more but it’s still no use
He shows no care, concern or some repentance.

Rumour has it that big blue van
Once, shall we say, met with big misfortunes.
Crumpled body panels, broken glass, all hit the fan
Looked like the work of orthopaedic surgeons.

Nasty thing for big blue van man
Hope he wasn’t hurt in the collision
Turns out he was sunning his old skin to get a tan
Many miles away from this bit of derision.

Big blue van, what were those trysts?
Spacecraft landing straight from Planet Dotty?
More like baseball bats and kicks, and very angry fists
Those vandals from the city slums … so naughty…

Big blue van no longer there
Celebrations only lasted in the present
Old b*gger had his laugh on all us drivers here
He only went and bought a new replacement.

Old b*gger had his laugh on all us drivers here ... He only went and bought a new replacement.

Old b*gger had his laugh on all us drivers here … He only went and bought a new replacement.

So big white van it was this time
Parked on the hill outside his small abode
And to make things worse this one was huge and quite sublime
Nearly twice as long and twice the total payload.

F***ing white van, as big as Kazakhstan
Now causing hell for traffic and pollution
Makes the rush hours just as stinky as a garbage can
Utter bedlam, tempers frayed and much confusion.

Hope the old man and his big white van
Have a happy, cheerful future when it’s all told
In the meantime let’s all help him in the best way that we can
By telling him to shove it up his *sshole.

What experiences have you had from the neighbours from hell?

Please share them with us!

For more of Suzan’s funny poems, take a look here

Poetry on HTWB

Mischieverse is coming…

Coming soon: “Mischieverse: rude humour that laughs at life’s irritations

by Suzan St Maur
to be published later in 2017
by Corona Books UK
© Suzan St Maur 2017

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