If you’re planning to wrap up warm (well, maybe not if you’re in Australia) and watch crappy reality TV shows all over the Holidays, read this. You’ll be switching to Netflix in nanoseconds.
Dontchya love reality
When it’s expressed on your TV?
Nothing like folks’ dirty clothes
And stinky socks or filthy hose…
…to make you laugh and smile and puke
And giggle, snort without rebuke
All safely shut away inside
Your television’s plastic hide.
Watch those stars eat bugs and snakes
Stuffing down what nature makes…
…most putrid and disgusting, plus
They lose if they should make a fuss.
Hey, why should people getting paid
A good few grand for having stayed
In a jungle camping ground,
Bitch and moan and p*ss around?
And if your taste is not in favour
Of revolting food to savour
There is much more real TV
To choose from internationally.
For example, baking cakes
Or cooking meals from emu steaks
Or making someone’s back yard fly
From sh*tehole to mini-Versailles.
If you’re not domestic, that’s
No problem. Just change habitats.
Check the sh*gging, moans and groans
Of contestants paying off loans
By writhing nude on sandy shores
And b*nking really awful bores
All in the name of pure romance
True love blooms well, without its pants.
And if you like real t*ts and butts
The size of largish garden huts
With robberies and wild hysterics
Nervous breakdowns, frantic antics
Cleavages, bum cracks and all
…that make the Grand Canyon look small
You need look no further than
The nearest kool Kardashian.
Frankly, though, what’s entertaining
Most of all, without restraining
What you can believe or not
Is on the news your country’s got
All you need to watch on full
Is politicians’ load of bull
Such stupid crap from brainless yuppies
You really couldn’t make it uppies.
If you enjoyed this, there are dozens more humorous poems and music articles right here on HTWB …
Excerpted from “Mischieverse: rude humour that sort-of rhymes”
by Suzan St Maur
to be published in 2017
© Suzan St Maur 2016-2017