A few days ago I received a boxed parcel in the snailmail. Thinking it might be an Hermès scarf or at the very least, some good organic chocolate, I grabbed some scissors and cut the parcel open. Out came a nice white box entitled “Google Engage for Agencies Invitation Pack.”
Needless to say I’m not an agency although I am listed in some very, very old business directories as being a “marketing consultant.” As marketing writers didn’t normally feature in the old print versions of the Yellow Pages, that’s what I was.
So what’s it all about?
Having opened the box lid I spent quite a few minutes – well, seconds, more like – going over the extremely sparse explanatory copy. After several reads through I just about worked out that this was an invitation for me to sign up to a scheme whereby I get my very own personal Google guru to help me flog AdWords and other Google products to my clients.
Nowhere in this mailshot, however, does any text
introduce the scheme and summarize what it’s about.
On the right hand side of the box there were, embedded in heavy cardboard, a few postcard-sized – well, er, cards – headlined “Attract new customers by advertising on Google.”
Should I use these to prop up wonky table legs in restaurants? Or should I give them out to my clients to persuade them to advertise on Google? No indication in the mailshot either way.
Plus a cute little metal box
Beneath these postcards in their cardboard home there is another hole embedded in which is a brushed steel case entitled “Google Engage.” Here repose 10 business-card sized cards which say “Google AdWords Turn £25 into £100 (expires 31 Dec 2012)” on one side, and show a gobbledygook code on the back accompanied by a signup URL and helpline number on the back.
Cool metal case, Google – thanks a bunch. I’ve been wondering where to store my own business cards for a while now so this will do nicely. Shame it’s too small for my recipe cards, though.
Yes, yes: now, what’s in it for me?
Much as I love the dinky little metal case and shudder to think how much that whole mailshot cost, I can’t help but being a boring old marketing writer and say, “but what’s in it for me?”
Nowhere within this fancy extravaganza does Google actually offer me some sort of incentive to get on and do it, unless – I suppose – I spend £25 x 10 on my own Google Adwords advertising between now and December 31st and somehow get £1,000 worth of adgrunt out of it.
However as, of course, I am psychic, I know that I should use those cute little cards to give my clients an incentive to try Google advertising. I think.
Do I really have to phone you guys to find out if there’s anything in it for me?
One thing that is made relatively clear within this delightful Pandora’s box of GoogleGoodies is the phone number you must call for further information, to be put in touch with your “Google new business account manager.”
Much as it’s tempting to dial that number I have a horrible feeling that my “Google new business account manager” might haunt me forever.
And the only time you get some sort of implied benefit is when you eventually find the scheme’s URL which is stuck in a corner of the inside front cover and copy that into your browser. “Grow your business by helping your clients grow theirs: Google Engage is a programme that helps you master AdWords and other Google products – so that you can help your clients and customers succeed online.” say the online headlines. But that’s it – no more benefits for me that I can see right away; just benefits for Google.
I hope I’m wrong.
Comments would be most welcome … if only to clarify this whole exercise for me…
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Photographs shot very badly by © Suzan St Maur 2013