The true story of a cat who thought he ruled the world … until a blackbird with a temper tantrum taught him otherwise. The latest excerpt from my forthcoming book, Mischieverse…and please share your own cats-for-world-domination stories with us in the comments below…
THE BIG TC
Once upon a time there was
A cat called Big TC
(That stood for “Tiger Cat” of course)
A brutal puss, was he.
TC came from friends in Kent
Whose pussy had been ravaged
By the local farmer’s tom
Known well to f*ck and savage.
TC became mine one day
When having clean forgotten
After a boozy party night
I felt so sick and rotten…
“A kitten? Oh of course I will”
I blurted out so drunken
Six weeks later email shows
My promise having slunk in.
Little TC wasn’t frail
When shown a box for travelling
For the journey back to mine
We had to use wire netting.
And not just netting delicate
But strong enough for elephants
This little b*stard was so strong
We couldn’t even take a chance.
Wooden crate with borders hard
Netting nailed securely
Stopped TC from climbing t’ward
Beyond my car, so surely.
A great big bully, he became
The terror of the neighbourhood
No other cats could be the same
‘Cos he was top cat, understood.
Then one sunny Springtime day
When baby birds were blossoming
TC found a nest out front
And climbed right up it, wobbling.
What TC had failed to see
Was Mama blackbird’s nest span
Once TC was up the tree
‘Twas curtains for his best plan.
In fact not only did he goof
But Mama blackbird f*cked him
Chased him out at highest speed
And scared his pants off, pro tem.
Yes, was she successful there
A birdie after blood now
Stormed him out of her small tree
Right up the driveway – pow, pow!
And not just up the driveway but
A follow-up so evil
She pecked his head as he jumped the gate
Which cause him much upheaval.
Dear old TC lived 20 years
And was loved by many
But he never, never tried
To raid birds’ nests again-y.
If you enjoyed this, there are dozens more humorous poems and music articles right here on #HTWB …
Excerpted from “Mischieverse: rude humour that sort-of rhymes”
by Suzan St Maur
to be published in 2017
by Corona Books UK
© Suzan St Maur 2017