Bored with just your dull routine? Try my poems for laughs unclean…

Yes, sorry Google, but this post is written as advertising for my new book. Actually I’m not sorry. It took me two glorious, hilarious years to write it and I loved every moment. I want to share that fun and laughter with as many other people as I can – and get a little money for my efforts.

So if it affects my Google ranking
So you’d give me a damned good spanking
So search engines don’t do laughter
So that’s hardly a disaster!

Funny, rude poetry book now out

Daily life getting you down? Share some naughty laughs about it with me…

Come have a laugh, not just a curse

You’ll love my new book, Mischieverse.

[Read more…]

D*ckheads we have known, episode 367

medium_4348942883Of course it’s snotty to laugh at stupid people. But there are times when the snottiness takes over, like the following occasions when stupidity was running at an all-time high….thanks as ever to my good friend Eleanor S. for sharing her experiences with us.

 

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My daughter and I went through the McDonalds take-away window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece. She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’

I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.’

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said ‘We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.’ The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

Do not confuse the help at MacD’s.

*  *  *  *  *

We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a ¼ horsepower.’

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two.’

We haven’t used Garador repair since.

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I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the Highways Department to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing any more.’

*  *  *  *  *

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a Mexican taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimum lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

*  *  *  *  *

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’

To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’

He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

*  *  *  *  *

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’

*  *  *  *  *

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealership  to pick up our new car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

‘Hey,’ I announced to the mechanic “It’s open!’

His reply, ‘I know. I already did that side.’

*  *  *  *  *

I went in to a back street café one day and asked for a black coffee. I was charged more for this coffee than one with milk in. When I queried this I was told black coffee has more coffee in it.

*  *  *  *  *

Beware of prowling d*ckheads, wherever they may roam.

Humor in writing from HowToWriteBetter.netMore examples of prize d*ckheads: (instant downloads)

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours
The Bumper Book of Business Jokes“…over 500 wicked laughs about the workplace

photo credit: Michiel020 via photopin cc

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