How a big bully cat got what he deserved – from a bird

The true story of a cat who thought he ruled the world … until a blackbird with a temper tantrum taught him otherwise. The latest excerpt from my forthcoming book, Mischieverse…and please share your own cats-for-world-domination stories with us in the comments below…

HTWB TC cat

A great big bully, he became – the terror of the neighbourhood

THE BIG TC

Once upon a time there was
A cat called Big TC
(That stood for “Tiger Cat” of course)
A brutal puss, was he.

TC came from friends in Kent
Whose pussy had been ravaged [Read more…]

A glass of wine, and why not?

Does a glass of wine at the end of a hard day’s work help you relax and unravel? Here on #HTWB is a tribute in verse to our liquid friend to whom we should be, er, grapeful…

HTWB wine 1

A glass of wine – and why not?

WINE

Nothing like a glass of wine
After work, you’re home and dry
Pour your stress right down the line
Well – down your throat, to pacify…

…but trouble is, does it really
Make you feel calm and bright?
Or does it blind your hormones
Into thinking all is right? [Read more…]

The dirty truth about, er, garbage (in verse)

Think you know what happens to garbage (rubbish) in our so-called civilised countries? Do we really know the truth? And should we write some poetry about it? (Here’s mine…)

HTWB garbage poem 2017

Does it really get recycled all in one hit? Or are we being fed some more utter bull sh*t?

GARBAGE

Political correctness now spreads right into the rubbish
(Or garbage if you live towards the west of the Atlantic)
So much as we continue to throw out the normal bullsh*t
We’re leaned upon to file our crap in detail that’s just frantic. [Read more…]

Anger vs Exasperation

A young girl who was studying for an English test at school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Martin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Martin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial?” [Read more…]

What NOT to write on staff performance reviews…

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation. They were passed on to me some while back by fellow professional writer and good friend, Jonathan Priest. The original sources are unknown…

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom – and has started to dig.”

“His men would follow him anywhere – but only out of morbid curiosity.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.” [Read more…]

How to be insulting in English without using 4-letter words

Gone are the days when you could make someone shrivel up and crawl down a drain with an educated, upmarket insult. And I think that’s very sad. Surely it’s more fun – and more effective – to use clever insults rather than all those clumpy words representing body parts and bodily functions, sexual inadequacy, and other boring clichés?

My cousin Alyson in Canada sent these to me recently to remind us just how cutting a good, clean insult can be. Enjoy… and how about coming up with some new ones? Send yours in as comments – and I’ll try to think some up, too…

The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”  He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.” [Read more…]

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