Written rules for dogs, cats and humans

No matter how much we love our dogs and cats, there comes a time when we humans need to lay down the law. (A bit.) And equally, we pet lovers need to set out the rules for humans who visit and might turn up their nose at a stray cat hair in their eye or a doggy footprint on their incredibly expensive, light beige suede coat. Who cares?

rules for dogs, cats and humans

Don’t think I will sleep on the couch just because you need to stretch out on my bed. (Well, not always, anyway…)

Here are some useful guidelines to help us map out appropriate rules for all concerned in our homes. Original rule compiler unknown, but I concur absolutely with their thoughts… [Read more…]

Anger vs Exasperation

A young girl who was studying for an English test at school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Martin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Martin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial?” [Read more…]

How to be insulting in English without using 4-letter words

Gone are the days when you could make someone shrivel up and crawl down a drain with an educated, upmarket insult. And I think that’s very sad. Surely it’s more fun – and more effective – to use clever insults rather than all those clumpy words representing body parts and bodily functions, sexual inadequacy, and other boring clichés?

My cousin Alyson in Canada sent these to me recently to remind us just how cutting a good, clean insult can be. Enjoy… and how about coming up with some new ones? Send yours in as comments – and I’ll try to think some up, too…

The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.”  He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.” [Read more…]

Humor from one of the world’s masters: Bob Hope

On his death bed, they asked Bob Hope where he wanted to be buried.
His answer was, “surprise me.”

Bob Hope and Ann Jillian entertain troups

Bob Hope and Ann Jillian perform for military personnel at the USO Christmas Tour during Operation Desert Shield.

If you remember Bob Hope, you’ll really enjoy this. For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents and thanks for the memories.

This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference.

[Read more…]

CAN YOU HEAR ME???

We all know him or her … the one who bellows down their phone in a crowded train or bus and shares the most intimate details of their cat’s castration surgery with 46 other passengers on their way to work on a rainy morning.

Ring a bell? Here is a short poem to celebrate those bellicose cretins. Print, cut out and keep this to read the next time you’re tempted to shove their fuchsia IPhone 7 Plus so far down their throat, they’d be able to eat corn-on-the-cob with their external anal sphincter. Enjoy.

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CAN YOU HEAR ME?????

What would we do without our phones
Clamped firmly to our earholes [Read more…]

Some tips for your handy Latin phrase book…

If you want to write and speak better in Latin (and of course you do – don’t we all?) here are some handy tips from my archive that I’m sure you’ll want to print out and keep…original author unknown. Just in time for your summer holidays in Europe…

How to write better, er, Latin

Ego vere postulo ut ante – I really need to get ahead.

[Read more…]

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