More jolly japes from the junk folder

Welcome to our occasional look at the positively flatulent and laughable junk mail that we receive in our inboxes most days.

More jolly japes from the junk folder

Although such ordure matter gets (or should get) sent straight to the junk folder and usually does, sometimes it is so outrageously, well, outrageous, that it’s worth pulling out to demonstrate just what a vast septic tank the internet actually is.

Here are a few examples of hilarious junk that I found in my trash folder recently…

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Spam, spam, thank you ma’am

Is it just me, or is it somewhat hypocritical for people to display their contact information openly online and then throw their handbags on the floor when someone ‘spams’ them?

Spam, spam, thank you ma'am
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Spam: are we becoming too precious about it?

medium_155554663It fascinates me to see how so many people regard their inboxes as if they are as private as vaginas. The intrusion of spam into their email nether regions incurs not only wrath, but also spiteful, spewing hatred almost as vicious as if someone were physically trying to stuff it down their throats. [Read more…]

The funniest spam recipes you’ll ever read

It’s well worth taking a look at your junk file from time to time – often the garbage in there is so awful it’s hilariously funny.

Take, for example, this spam email trying to sell me hair care products. After a few sentences about the product, here is what ensued, I assume spun by some robotic software to act as a filler and take my spam filter’s attention away from the sales spiel. I’m surprised my spam filter didn’t die laughing…

Continue in the center, and a dish. Cook the greatest importance.

LEEK SOUP Put a coffee-spoonful of onion, a pound of cornflour in a wooden spoon, will fry slowly in, sprinkling it into a thick sauce, or cold mutton. Let it will take a thin piece of a little mustard, a dish quickly with some small cabbages boiled eggs to simmer. Add at the bones, mixing very good beef, which you can be nearly two hours. If you need be, unless that you have begun at once. I give special point of the following way: Take the leaves. Let this sorrel, reduce that should call a brisk fire till it a dish some cold cooked green has taken place. Fill some butter or six eggs and round a hole in butter to soak in cold they are brown bread and wash some good white sauce is used.

FRIDAY’S FEAST Cook some lettuce plenty of minutes. Take a scrap of dried flour, then pass it through the meat, cook gently so as big lump of rounds of bacon, which is like it, two glasses of hard till you wish to boil. It should be added a calf’s liver, lard them gently salted, let them in cold milk; melt them cook again serve very well. Drop in dice, and onions, such as much attention to the cabbage and bay-leaves, a white sugar and make a boiled a powdering of lettuce, and mix these with pepper and it to a nice sweet is over. Put the eggs and stew them in a cup, adding to cover it about a little seasoning with milk and fry in tarragon vinegar and press it five inches from the tureen and also with the lid. When the vegetables do not minced. Add sufficient water and salt. Stir cheese-balls in the table and pour over the bechamel.

CAULIFLOWER SOUP (BELGIAN RECIPE) Take a bean and roll in as usual, and then, above and serve the inside yellow aspic, and arrange them through a small saucepan with the top with slices of chocolate that is done at my best; and breadcrumb some cold meat, bread, and fold over. Tomato Sauce: Brown an egg and the size of an egg. Add three or other liqueur. This sort of butter cook can bind the peas to suggest antennae. A good soup-spoonfuls of boiling milk. Bind the sieve and ham, pour over perfection. Put it for ten minutes, then your eggs are placed at the heat through. Serve when boiled, shell the frying-pan, also added it to use some white sugar over the oven, with a slice and remove the leaves. Scoop out the prunes are cheap in cold meat, and decorate with pepper and skin them, make a little soda in four, the boiling fat, or twelve ounces butter, and one-half inch thick, cut in butter; add a half pint of recipes for a moderate fire, and throw in boiling water. (etc.)

HORS D’OEUVRES The sugar 1 or lard. When the pan into pieces if they are tender, remove the sauce to have some potatoes, and then cover them in one half moon, so much liked by the oven, or in thin piece of a slice of the sauce shredded parsley, a chopped hard- boiled in. The water or boiled and pour the oven, or cook in a gentle oven and the soup a pound flour, put in hot fat. When ready, strain and let it rest for ten minutes. When set a white sauce over them decorated with some minced veal in the artichokes and add a little white pepper and half a bit of eggs, and can be inexpensive dish) Cook them, sprinkle chopped onions (already fried) and place a powdering of the dinner of butter in a pint of all the size of the cream, adding long sponge biscuits, but using the yolks of white sauce and of duck or you will be a sharp taste and plenty of two onions, add milk, pepper and add the whites of the butter melt one-half inch long; put in the fruit in salted water; a good as you add the salt. Butter a few raisins, some chopped parsley scattered at the cabbage, adding salt and dish and salt and butter over, and cut it the tongue or haricots to it in pieces if any cooked as you eat all with fresh fruit, raspberries, strawberries, portions of vanilla, and lid. When all bones and a little water. (etc.)

Who, but who, writes this sh*t?

Now: bite back and brush up your writing!

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

“Business Writing Made Easy”…everything you need to know about writing for business in English

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours

 

photo credit: Nomadic Lass via photopin cc
photo credit: cvander via photopin cc

Jolliest japes from the junk folder….

The next time you go to clear out your junk email folder and feel like having a smile for the week, stop and read a few of them … some are truly hilarious. Here are some of my recent favorites…

(Here come da drugskis…)

BUY NOW VIAGRA + CIALIS

USPS – Fast Delivery Shipping 1-4 day USA Best quality drugs Worldwide shipping Professional packaging 100% guarantee on delivery Best prices in the market Discounts for returning customers FDA approved productas 350000+ satisfied customers

URL based in Russia. Shortest possible route from the USA? No doubt ve vill Russia da drugs to you.

(The spammer with the soft centre…)

How POSSIBLE for YOU making a MILLIONS??

Are you tired of all the work from home scams?

After personally going through several scams, I sure was.

I would like to personally welcome you to my own TOP SECRET MACHINE”

This simple system is consistent, safe, and secure.

Discover here how millionaires laugh us in terms of internet marketing.

Now there’s a better way to break that cycle of financial drain.

And you’ve found it right here! It doesn’t matter how many years you’ve faild into different scams on the internet.

I dont need your money, I just want to help people like you, I was once like you before making different trials to become a millionaire.

YOUR TIME OF STRUGGLING IS IN THE END. YOUR ON THE WAY RIGHT HERE!!

From the lovely Erick Norwood, who really could do with investing a few of his millions in learning how to write in English. But isn’t he just so sweet when he says he doesn’t want our money? Awwwww…

(I’ve no faith in you…)

Hello Dearest,

My name is faith. I was impressed when i saw your profile and i deemed it too necessary to write you immediately. I will really like to established a suitable relationship with you. Could you please reply me through my private email box So I can introduce my self better and also give you my pictures, for you to know whom i am and I believe we can move from here! waiting for your details, Have a nice day and God bless you Best Regards Miss faith ___████_______ ████ :)______█$$$█_______█$$$█ :)____█$$$$$$$█___█$$$$$$$█ :)___█$$$$$$$$$█_█$$$$$$$$$█ :)___█$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$█ :)____█$$$$$$$$$:)$$$$$$$$$█ :)______█$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$█ :)________█$$$$$$$$$$$█ :)__________█$$$$$$$█ :)___________█$$E$$█ :)____________█$C$█ :)_____________█$█ ________________________________

Faith, you’re either a hooker or a scammer or both, so do us a favor and quit playing around with your keyboard characters, there’s a good girl, and just lay down the porny pix for the boys.

(I can hardly wait…ZZzzzzzz…)

This could be the greatest conspiracy of our time, and it affects EVERYONE. Watch this video, especially the SHOCKER at the 10:14 mark!.CLICK HERE <URL> for your review. Due to the controversial nature of this, it may be forced to take it down very soon, So a little Hurry is a must !!!

Thank you and regards,

Jennifer Sebastian

Thanks Jennifer. If I want a SHOCKER I’ll go stick my finger into an electrical socket. In the meantime learn proper English.

(Rising to the challenge…)

Make your bedtime a wild one Even celebrities love our product, they need it to keep their celeb wives.

Really? I thought 10 carat diamonds and wall-to-wall Louis Vuitton were more effective but hey, what do I know.

(Play the hokey-pokey…)

Only from the most noble of all casinos you could except such a Regal gift: 300 percent Bonus on your First Deposit! Deposit 100EUR/USD and Play with 400EUR/USD! And on top of that, a service at such a level you would not find in the best Royal Families of Europe. Come and play at PremierPlayersClub!

I’d have sworn that the best royal families of Europe could afford to go to Monte Carlo, not lose a few bucks on a cr*ppy little scam like yours.

(Oh, not this one again…)

This communication, including attachments, is confidential, may be subject to legal privileges, and is intended for the sole use of the addressee. Any use, duplication,disclosure or dissemination of this communication, other than by the addressee, is prohibited. If you have received this communication in error, please notify the sender immediately and delete or destroy this communication and all copies From: Mr. George A. Biney Principal Finance Officer Public Procurement Authority, Ghana; PMB 30 Ministries, Accra, GHANA. Dear Sir, REQUEST FOR A MUTUAL BUSINESS TRANSACTION. I am the Principal Finance Officer of the Public Procurement Authority, Ghana. The Authority awarded a contract for the Construction of Spectator Stand and Other ancillary Facilities at the Sport Stadium to the tune of US$55,750,200.00 (Fifty five Million, Seven Hundred and fifty thousand, two hundred United states Dollars only), Contract Number: UWRCC/WA/NCT/01/20. The Chief Executive and I collaborated and over-invoiced the amount with additional USD5,250,000.00 (Five Million, Two Hundred and Fifty United States Dollars only). I have the mandate of the chief executive to negotiate with a reliable foreign company or individual that can receive this over-invoiced sum for safe-keeping/possible investments in a viable/blue-chip Company in your Country or any other Country of your choice, where Government Policies favors foreign investments with minimal taxation. We will discuss your remuneration when I receive your response. There is no risk involved as all machineries have been set rolling for the speedy and successful execution of this business. To ensure the security of all concerned, absolute confidentiality must be observed in the course of execution of the project. However, I want you to note that your area of business does not matter in the transaction, rather, your willingness and capability to handle the transaction. If you concur with this proposal kindly reply to: (email). Looking forward to your urgent response. Yours faithfully, George A. Biney

Hey George, considering your email address is in Vietnam, you’re a long way from home, aren’t you? But I just love your pseudo-legal style. Certainly makes me want to click on the “you must think I’m utterly stupid” icon.

(Not such bright sparks…)

Subject:Big Energy secret nightmare,finally out in the open sent you an article from Network of Care.

MESSAGE: .

Hi,

“I spent $3,000 on electricity last year and simply couldn’t take it anymore. So I said “the hell with the electric company” and built myself a high output Tesla Generator.

“This is the real deal! I got your manual, rushed to the appliance store and got all the parts for 92 bucks. It took me approx. three hours to build my first device… and I built a second, larger one in under an hour!

Now we’re getting free electricity even at night … in the middle of nowhere! This technology is the real deal and it changed our lives, thank you for making it available!”

Sincelerely,

Rhoman Evgenie

Free Energy Enthusiast

If not interested please reply to this e-mail with a subject “NO THANKS” to be able to unsubscribe you from our mailing list. (email) Thank You and God Bless ….

God bless you too, Rhoman, you’re sure going to need His help with banging those generators together. In the meantime, I’ll keep rubbing sticks.

(Please feel free to scan the following quickly…)

THIS IS THE (F.B.I)

(URL)

ROBERT S. MUELLER

EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI

Direct Line: 206-888-4277

Email:

Federal Bureau of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue,

NW Washington,

D.C. 20535-0001, USA

Attention Beneeficiary:

OFFICIAL LETTER FROM ROBERT MUELLER III EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION WASHINGTON DC. FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET:

The federal bureau of investigation (FBI).Through our intelligence-monitoring network has discovered that the transaction that the bank contacted you previously was legal.Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via Central Bank of Nigeria.

So, we, the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington Dc, in conjunction with the United Nations (UN) financial department have investigated through our monitoring network noting that your transaction with the Central Bank of Nigeria legal. You have the legitimate right to complete your transaction to claim your fund (US$15.5,000,000.00) (Fifteen Point Five Million United States Dollars).

Because of so much scam going on in Nigeria.We the federal bureau of investigation decided to contact the FedEx Courier Service Company in Nigeria for them to give us their procedures on how to sent this money to you without any further complain or delay. We just got an information from the Central Bank of Nigeria and they have loaded your (US$15.5,000,000.00) in ATM CARD and submit to the FedEx courier service company for immediate delivery to your doorstep.

You are required to choose one option, which you will be able to pay and also convenient for you, for Quick delivery of your parcel containing your ATM CARD and other two original back up documents.

Service Type | Delivery Duration | Charges/Fees

(This is the bit I love best…)

—————————————————————————

Premium Express (24hrs Delivery)

Mailing $300.00 00.00

Insurance $300.00 00.00

Vat $150.00 00.00

TOTAL $750.00

$750 (Seven Hundred and fifthy US Dollars Only).

…………………………………………………………….

Special Express (2 Days)

Mailing $180.00 00.00

Insurance $200.00 00.00

Vat $150.00 00.00

TOTAL $530.00 00.00

$530 ( Five Hundred and Thirty US Dollars Only).

………………………………………………………………….

Economy Express (3Days)

Mailing $150.00 00.00

Insurance$250.00 00.00

Vat (5%) $80.00 00.00

TOTAL $450.00 00.00

$450(Four Hundred and Fifty US Dollars Only).

…………………………………………………………..

You are hereby required to advice us, on your parcel delivery option by filling in the required form stated above. Please note that the deadline for claiming your fund is exactly one week after the receipt of this email. After this period, your fund will be return back to the ordering costumer. That is the instruction given to us .So take note.

We request that you reconfirm your mailing address to ensure conformity with our record for immediate dispatch of your parcel to you. Only valid residential/Office address and postal address are certified OK.

…………etc…….

CONTACT THE COURIER COMPANY WITH THE BELOW ADDRESS INFORMATIONS:

============================================

Company Name: FedEx Courier Service Delivery Director Incharge Name: Mr Samson Emmanuel E-mail address: (email address in China)

D’you know something, Robert? I don’t think you know your J Edgar Hoover Building from a hole in the ground. And whatever’s in that parcel, I don’t want it. Hey – why don’t you deliver it to the Pentagon? That’ll give them all a good laugh and make sure you’re incapable of spamming anyone else for a long, long time.

(Pass the parcel…)

USPS Failed Delivery Notification 1KB7J5QBK5CA

Hello!

Unfortunately we failed to deliver the postal package you have sent in time because the recipient’s address is erroneous. Please print out the shipment label attached and collect the package at our office.

Thank you, USPS United Parcel Service of America, Inc.

Thank you too, turkey-brain – I live in the UK.

(and to finish…)

2012新年惊喜 你送祝福我送好礼 精品好礼一网扫尽 全场商品打折再包邮

如果您无法正常浏览此邮件,请点击这里 <URL> 查看!

Mwah, Mwah, I love you too. How do you say F*** Off in Chinese?

 

 

Pic of J Edgar Hoover building gratefully borrowed from Architizer.com

Pic of Louis Vuitton house gratefully borrowed from LA Weekly

More (useful) japes:

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

“English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours

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