A sad, sad, tale … about a man with a sad, sad tail

The following was sent to me by my good friend Laurence H., who feels whole-heartedly for this poor man and who, despite our 30-year friendship, I have since energetically told to go do something connected with sex and travel. However I thought you would find his contribution entertaining all the same… 

“It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are oversensitive; there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Patricia to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club, so eating out is unreasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.”

EDITOR’S NOTE:

John died suddenly on June 30 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her “not guilty,” accepting her defense that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 

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Vanilla Sex: here – have another helping

Intrepid wordsmith that I am, recently I’ve found much hilarity in the common use of the adjective “vanilla” to describe mediocre, conventional sex.

According to Dictionary.com the term vanilla originates from around 1662, from “Sp. Vainilla “vanilla plant” lit. “little pod,” dim. Of vaina “sheath,” from L. vagina “sheath” (see vagina). [Now there’s a coincidence.] So called from the shape of the pods. European discovery 1521 by Hernando Cortes’ soldiers on reconnaissance in southeastern Mexico. Meaning “conventional, of ordinary sexual preferences” is 1970s, from notion of whiteness and the common choice of vanilla ice cream.”

Wikipedia agrees:  vanilla sex (or conventional sex) is a description of what a culture regards as standard or conventional sexual behaviour. Different cultures, subcultures and individuals have different ideas about what constitutes this type of sex. Often, it is interpreted as sex which does not involve such elements as BDSMkink, or fetish activities.

So can we use “vanilla” as an adjective for things other than sex? E.G…

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