Tall tales from the farmyard: a lot of bull

A few chuckles to warm up an otherwise chilly pre-Christmas Sunday (in the northern hemisphere, anyway) … this time, we look at bulls – and their owners…

Tall tales from the farmyard: a lot of bull

“Hey, why don’t we run down and have us a couple of those heifers?”

Surprises rule
A farmer had a black cow and a white cow and he wanted them to be mated. He borrowed the neighbouring farmer’s bull and turned it out in the paddock. He called his young son and asked him to keep watch, going in to tell him when the bull had done his business.
“Yes Dad, yes Dad,” said the little boy eagerly.
After a bit the little boy went into the kitchen where his Dad was chatting with some friends. “Eh, Dad,” said the boy.
“Yes,” replied his father.
“The bull just b*nked the black cow.”
Instantly there was a silence in the room. The farmer said “Excuse us a moment” and took his son outside. “Michael, you mustn’t say words like that. Not when there’s company or ever. You should say ‘the bull surprised the black cow.’ Now go out to the paddock and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow.”
The farmer went back to the kitchen. After a while the boy came in and said, “Hey, Dad!”
“Yes, Michael. Did the bull surprise the white cow?”
“I’ll say he did, Dad! He only went and b*nked the black cow again!”

Age before beauty
An old bull and a young bull were grazing quietly at the top of a hill overlooking a herd of heifers. Suddenly the young bull turned to the old one and said, “hey, why don’t we run down and have us a couple of those heifers?”
The old bull gazed over at him and replied, “nah, let’s walk down and have ’em all.”

Strange tastes
A bullock walked into pub at lunchtime and ordered sausage and chips with mustard, ketchup and vinegar.  As the bullock was eating the landlady stared at him hard.
“I expect you find it strange that a bullock should come into your pub and order sausage and chips with mustard, ketchup and vinegar,” said the bullock.
“Not at all,” said the landlady.  “That’s how I always have my sausage and chips.”

Names
“I call my bull Carpenter.”
“Why?”
He’s always doing odd jobs around the farm. You should see him make a bolt for an open barn door.”

Service charges
A young farm girl in Nebraska answered the door. An older neighbour was there. “My father isn’t home,” she said, “but I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”
“That’s not what I want,” the neighbour said.
“We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him.”
“That’s not what I want, either.”
“We have an old bull out in the pasture,” the girl tried again. “He can still do the job and my father charges only ten dollars for him.”
“That’s not what I want,” the neighbour said. “I came here to see your father about your brother Elmer. Elmer made my daughter pregnant.”
“Oh,” the girl replied. “You’ll have to see my father about that. I don’t know what he charges for Elmer.”

Bull market
A man took his wife to a county show in northern England, and they wandered down through the pens that housed the prize bulls. The sign on the first bull’s pen stated “This bull mated 50 times last year.”
The wife turned to her husband and said, “he mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!.”
They proceeded to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turned to her husband again and said, “this one mated 65 times last year. That’s over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!”
They carried on until they reached the last bull, and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth dropped open and she said, “Goodness me!  He mated 365 times last year. That’s ONCE A DAY!!  You could really learn from this one.”
The man, rather fed up, turned to his wife and said, “I say, my love, why don’t you go to the show secretary’s tent and enquire if that was 365 times with the same cow.”

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