You can’t say we don’t celebrate romance here on #HTWB … even the Grammar Police have, er, something to say about Valentine’s Day. If you want an alternative to the schmaltzy goo that permeates February 14th, you’re in the right place. Enjoy.
VALENTINE’S DAY WITH THE GRAMMAR POLICE
Roses are red, violets are blue
That’s just a cliché. Don’t like it? Go scr*w.
Violets is blue, roses is red,
Get noun/verbs together, you puerile d*ckhead.
And roses are red while violets are blue
Don’t start with conjunctions, they’re strictly taboo.
I’ll love you my dearest to the moon and back
Please don’t exaggerate or I’ll give you a smack.
Take my heart its yours on a plate
Keep it till you learn how to punctuate.
To truly love you, that’s what I intend
You split an infinitive: you’re not my friend.
Posies are cosies and I love your nosies
Please! Shove the poetry – I just love grossies.
Cherie, je t’aime et j’aimerais te baiser
French doesn’t fool me. You just want an “easy.”
I think I love you, or maybe its fantasy?
Never mind that. Where’s the s*dding apostrophe?
Sweetheart, you’re stunning, a beautiful dame
P*ss off and next time try to recall my name.
I think I love you my dear Valentine
Get off the pot and decide: are you mine?
Your the one lover I wants to discover
Well, keep on looking. Your grammar’s a bummer.
I love your face!!! And your eyes!!! And your glamour!!!
Those exclamation marks need a hit with a hammer.
Since encountering yourself I am thunderstruck
Get over it, dipstick. Those long words just suck.
Your eyes are like diamonds that sparkle in light
That simile’s awful. Clichéd and pure sh*te.
Conversating with you is so sweet to my ears
Don’t be pretentious. Let’s have a few beers.
You are my heavenly gift from the gods
You’re why I still need to keep kissing frogs.
Happy Valentine’s Day from the Grammar Police on #HTWB!
If you enjoyed this, there are dozens more humorous poems and music articles right here on #HTWB …
Excerpted from “Mischieverse: rude humour that sort-of rhymes”
by Suzan St Maur
to be published in 2017
by Corona Books UK
© Suzan St Maur 2017