Have you noticed how cats have an uncannily perfect sense of timing? They drive you up the wall until you’re at screaming point, then turn on the charm faucet full blast so your fury just melts away at their cuteness?
Here is a tribute to them in verse, maddening little b*ggers…
Puddytat, I love you so, but your arrogance is stifling
When you yowl to get outside and force me to obey
You sit there, bored and yawing wide, your interest merely trifling
“I may go out, but maybe not. There’s time to spare till doomsday.”
Much as I respect my cats I do get twitchy waiting
For them to make decisions as to if it’s in or out
For feck’s sake make your mind up, you small creature so dictating
I’m freezing here while you just cogitate your fecking doubt.
Yes, it’s raining. Sorry, puss. There’s nothing to be done for it
I can’t control the weather or world politics or more
We mere humans aren’t like you: we’re made to follow rules and shit
So be a good dear puddytat, get off your ass, feck out the door.
“Hmmm, I’ve changed my mind, OK? I think I’ll have some dinner now
Though it’s only lunchtime surely there’s a lot more salmon?”
You little scrounging *sshole, you know that there’s lots more anyhow
Do you care that food like this could help us beat world famine?
Er, where are you, puddytat? Thought I saw you disappearing now
Never heard you leaving our back door step, must admit
Given we were having a good talk about things so highbrow
Am hoping you’re still there to comment well upon this sh*t.
Puddytat, er, Puddytat – I’m waiting for some sense from you
But, er, where the feck are you now, you sneaky little gobsh*te?
Ah well, I will simply go to bed and hope we hear a little “mew”
And guess what? You are right there, a fat lump on my bed site.
Now move over, puddytat. Much as some may question it
This is my bed. It says here: “a King size for two occupants”
Seeing that four dogs are here plus your feline opposites
Time to re-arrange your thoughts ‘cause you don’t wear the “cat pants.”
Now we slide into slow sleep, recharging our fecked batteries
When you turn up and yowl because you caught food for the nest
Tell you what now, puddytat, I’m speed dialling the catteries
Thanks to you we never get a decent night-time’s rest.
Feck you, puddytat. Oh OK, you can settle on my duvet (MUST you?)
Hope you don’t puke up that mouse on these pristine bed clothes
And in case you’re wondering just today they’re clean, brand new…
Oh, so sorry now to wake you. Get back to your dreamy doze…
If you enjoyed this, there are dozens more humorous poems and music articles right here on #HTWB …
Excerpted from “Mischieverse: rude humour that sort-of rhymes”
by Suzan St Maur
to be published in 2017
by Corona Books UK
© Suzan St Maur 2017