A little poem I just cooked up to make you think carefully before ever eating junk food again. Warning: strong language in places.
So where do we choose when there’s no time to lose?
Yellow arches and names hinting Scottish?
A McShiteBurger’s right if you’re pushed on the night
But beware: that there “Mc’s” Northern Irish.
Now how ’bout some chicken that’s smothered in puke
With spices that castrate your tonsils
And fill your gall bladder with p*ss even badder
Smoothed on with bug-ridden utensils?
Talking of chicken, Kentucky’s the place
Where thousands of foodies get fatter
Colonel Sanders began this digestible scam
No doubt Dunkin’ his Donuts in batter.
North of the border it’s Canada, eh?
Tim Horton serves coffee ad nauseam
And the Frenchies chime in with disgusting Poutine
All wrapped up in a Beaver Tail’s scr*tum.
In old England the coffee made sewage smell nice
Until someone said “it’s not wearable!”
Now there’s Costa and Starbucks plus copy snackbarf*cks
Serving coffee that’s just about bearable.
Meanwhile the fast foodies are getting their kicks
With the brands down and dirty and mean
Burger King’s scr*wing Wendy’s, Steak ‘n Shaking her undies
And Hungry Jack wants to sh*g Dairy Queen.
You’ve got Domino’s Pizza chasing Buffalo Wings
While young Nando just rings Taco’s Bell
Krispy Kreme starts a-flowing; the Little Chef’s glowing
Wimpy’s virtue has gone straight to hell.
So next time you’re out feeling feckishly peckish,
Think of this cr*p that goes on
Still want to savour those revolting flavours?
Shut your eyes, hold your nose, and be strong.
Excerpted from Suze’s forthcoming book, “Mischieverse: rude humour that sort-of rhymes” to be published in 2017.
© Suzan St Maur 2016