Writing Christmas cracker jokes: groans or grins?

If most Christmas cracker jokes make you groan, have a look at this small selection – hand-picked by moi to guarantee if not a laugh, at least a grin rather than a groan.

Writing Christmas cracker jokes - groans or grins?

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia

Why did Santa’s helper see the psychotherapist?
Because he had a low “elf” esteem

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson

What does Santa do on Boxing Day?
Takes a well-earned holly-day

Who delivers presents to dogs?
Santa Paws

Who delivers presents to tigers?
Santa Claws

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker

What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards

Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley

What does your English teacher call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses

What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle

Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas

How long do a reindeer’s legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments

What’s worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush

Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was harnessed to the chicken

What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you

What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather?
Is it going to rain dear

What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled

Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle

What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow

Why was the snowman rummaging in the bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy

How does Christmas Day end?
With the letter ‘Y’

What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful

What is the best Xmas present in the world?
A broken drum. You just can’t beat it

How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed

What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis

What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts’

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days

Why are Christmas Trees useless at knitting?
They keep losing their needles

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple

What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells

Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United

What’s the name of the one horse in “Jingle Bells”?
Bob. (Bells on Bob’s tail ring)

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia

What’s a child’s favourite king at Christmas?
A stocking

Why couldn’t the ghost go to the Christmas Party?
Because he had no body to go with

How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
On the dark side

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells

What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper

Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
He only comes once a year.

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
RUDEolph

What nationality is someone who is wearing a Christmas hat?
A Merry Can

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
Snowballs

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus

What are the funniest Christmas cracker jokes you’ve seen?

Please share!

With thanks to the following excellent sources of Christmas cracker and other jokes …

Jokes4Us
Why Christmas?
INews

 

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