13 handy, er, household hints…

Updated February 28th, 2020. We spend so much time on the higher intellectual planes of work, internet etc … but some good old common-sense advice is still, er, invaluable for the basic things in life.

humor about household tips

Before trying to remove a stain from a garment always circle it in permanent pen, so you know where to check if the stain has gone after laundering.

Forget the digital world: take this practical household advice…

…and try not to laugh too hard…

1. Stain removal: Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stains in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stains and check that they are gone.

2. BP stabiliser: High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

3. Don’t make the running: Olympic athletes can conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.

4. If you still must smoke: Do not throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your attic, if you’re still alive by then.

5. Chin, chin: Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

6. Sci-Fi, bye-bye: Science fiction fans can create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.

7. Desert hack: A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps or Sat Navs when attempting to find your way around the Sahara desert.

8. Not a Big Mack: Convince neighbors that you have invented a ‘shrinking’ device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coat and parking a Mack Truck outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the Mack Truck unseen, with a toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning…

9. Smartie-pants: Smart Car drivers should attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. People drive theirs like a dodgem car anyway, so it may as well look like one.

10. Microwave stealth: Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced before it cooks your kidneys while you heat up your cup of coffee.

11. Wakey-wakey: An old-fashioned mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock, will prevent you from hitting the snooze button, rolling over and going back to sleep when it goes off. The same procedure also works if you place the mousetrap on your phone, the alarm goes off and you attempt to turn your phone to silent.

12. Think, don’t read: The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours  of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighbouring yard. The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.
It’s beyond me,” said the father, “how you got it together without even reading instructions.”
“To tell the truth,” replied the old-timer, “I can’t read, and when you can’t read, you’ve got to think.”

13. Timekeeping for free: Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new apartment.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the  lounge.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.
“Why,  that’s my Speaking Clock” the man replied.
“How does it work?”
“I’ll show you”, the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.  Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,  “For **** sake,  you *****, it’s twenty to two in the ****ing morning.

Have a great weekend!

Sz xx