14 intriguing new brands to be created by corporate mergers

HTWB law firmsThe following new brands are, er, under consideration due to possible mergers of the following corporations. Needless to say there is no chance of the new brand names being in any way misleading…(original “brand marketing consultants” unknown…)

(NB: if you want to read some slightly less hilarious advice about how to write better brand names, have a look at this.)

I couldn’t write them better myself…

The National Bank of Albania will merge with Alfred Nobel Enterprises and USA Today Publishers Inc, to produce Tirana Boom Today.

Calvin Klein Enterprises, Avery Corp [weighing machine industry leaders] and Mountain Dew Beverages Inc will get together to form an outdoor leisure venture, Klein Avery Mountain.

St. Regis Paper, St. John Industries, St. Gobain Chemicals and New Zealand’s Anchor Butter Ltd will invest jointly in a process to cure speech impediments, to be named StStStutter Limited.

The United Nations will absorb troubled Japanese bank Fukuoka Trust, and merge it with ING Barings and the Kool brand of Philip Morris Inc to provide an unequalled investment opportunity named, in contrarian fashion, UN Fuking Kool Inc.

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become…Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become Polly Warner Cracker.

3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.

Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge to become, of course, ZipAudiDoDa.

Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and consolidate as FedUP.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell Honeychild.

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organisation for Women will become Knott NOW.

“Stop and Shop” with “A&P”.   They will call themselves, for everyone’s relief, Stop and P.

What other new brand names would you write, as the result of corporate mergers?

Please share your thoughts!

PS: As mentioned above, if you want to read some slightly less frivolous advice about how to write better brand names, have a look at this. And for advice on several different types of writing, you’ll find all you need here.