15 written instructions to help you, er, give your cat medication

You talkin’ to ME?

Although many veterinary medications these days are supposedly “palatable” and therefore, in theory, likely to be gobbled up by your cat with as much enthusiasm as cats ever show, the reality still can be somewhat different.

Here, then, are some handy tips from the good old days, which should help you get puddytat’s medication down…(original author unknown.)

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding tablet in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop tablet into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve tablet from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw chewed-up tablet away.

4) Take new tablet from container, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push tablet to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve tablet from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop tablet down, remove ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another tablet from container. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Staffordshire figurines from window sill and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put tablet in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure tablet not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply antiseptic solution to friend’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Oh, how I wish this was your finger…

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another tablet. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick tablet down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus booster. Throw T-shirt away and fetch clean one from bedroom.

12) Ring emergency services to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into her own fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last tablet from container.

13) Tie cats front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push tablet into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash tablet down.

14) Get friend to drive you to hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes tablet remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for cat rehomers collect cat. Call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Now, let’s make sure you write instructions really well!

“Business Writing Made Easy”…everything you need to know about writing for business in English

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“English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand

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