18 bitchy Valentine messages to send to your ex

Some delightfully bitchy rhyming couplets in honour of all those who find themselves happily or unhappily single on Valentine’s Day … perfect messages to send to your ex partner by text/SMS or on social media. Enjoy…

18 bitchy Valentine messages to send to your ex

I loved to be with you from when we were wed. As long as you left that brown bag on your head.

1. Love may be fabulous, sweetness and bliss,
But I only wed you ’cause I’d been on the p*ss.

2. I thought that I could love no other,
Until, that is, I met your brother.

3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But
the roses were fading, the violets were dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so was your head.

4. Your eyes were like diamonds picked out to adorn “yer”
More like baseball diamonds with sacks in each corner.

5. Of loving beauty you floated with grace
If only you could have hidden your face.

6. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you were not.

7. You were such a hero when I was in labour
Left me in peace while you slept with our neighbour.

8. I loved to be with you from when we were wed
As long as you left that brown bag on your head.

9. I loved your smile, your face, and your eyes –
Such a shame I’m so clever at telling lies.

10. My sweetheart, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you really screwed up my life.

11. You were all I could ask for to make a great hubby
So sad you went bald and turned out really chubby.

12. I saw your face when I was dreaming
That’s why I always woke up screaming.

13. My sweetheart, you took my breath away;
What strange disease made your breath smell this way?

14. You were always so active – a lover of all sports
That’s why I had to divorce a whole golf course.

15. My feelings for you no words could tell,
Except for maybe “go to hell.”

16. What inspired this loving rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime

17. Your face was just perfect, your body divine,
They looked even better with each glass of wine.

18. Now how should I phrase this romantic epistle?
You resembled a bulldog licking p*ss off a thistle.

Not all of the above are original but I have improved some old ones, as well as adding several new ones of my own.

Happy Valentine’s Day anyway!

 

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