20 punsational jokes for the UK long weekend

Here are some of my favourite puns to give you a smile while you sit around the barbecue with a long, cold drink…

20 punsational jokes for the UK long weekend

With many thanks to the original authors, if anyone can remember who they were.

Which of the following puns and jokes make you groan the most?

1.I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but also it’s terrible.

2.What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

3.Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree. “Ba-dum-tsssss.”

4.I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Toronto Zoo.

5.And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

6,What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”

7.The Buddhist pulls out a gun. “Whoa,” says the vendor, “I thought you folks were about inner peace.” The Buddhist replies, “this IS my inner piece.”

8.He told his girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

9.A termite walks into a bar and asks, “is the bar tender in here?”

10.What did they give to the guy who invented the doorknocker? A no-bell prize.

11.What did the pirate say when he turned 80? “Aye Matey. And it sucks.”

12.A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

13.What happened when the ship carrying blue paint and another ship carrying red paint both crashed into a deserted island? The sailors were marooned.

14.Did you hear the rumour about butter? Never mind. I shouldn’t spread it.

15.Do you know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

16.What kind of lingerie do clouds wear? Thunderpants.

17.Friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid, but says he can stop any time.

18.The email said my blood is Type A, but that was a Type O.

19.I couldn’t understand why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

20.I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

Have you chosen your favourite groan yet?

Or failing that, please share another one of your favourites here…

Happy May Day Bank Holiday 2019!