25 more smart-ass lines I wish I had written

Updated January 19th, 2020. Some classic lines by people who really did have the gift of the gab (or perhaps very good scriptwriters)…wish I were clever enough to write them. Enjoy.

25 more smart-ass lines I wish I had written

Archbishop Desmond Tutu

1.As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

2.When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu

3.America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

4.I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

5.After the game, the King and the pawn go back into the same box.
Old Italian Proverb

6.Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

7.The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

8.I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

9.You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
Jeff Foxworthy

10.When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

11.A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

12.Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

13.The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

14.Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

15.Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror
Jean Rostand

16Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

17.We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
W H Auden

18.In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

19.If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

20.I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
Warren Tantum

21.Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

22.America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hanwell

23.The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

24.If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters

25.I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Robert Benchley

What are your favorite one liners?

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