31 comments you do not want written on your performance review

The dreaded performance review is one of the many horrors of being an employee and one of the reasons to work for yourself, although if you’re employed you don’t usually lie awake at night wondering how to pay the rent next week.

These are supposed to be actual quotes taken from employee performance reviews:

31 comments you do not want written on your performance review…and Heaven forbid you should see any of them on yours…

  1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig.”
  2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
  3. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t be.”
  4. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
  5. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
  6. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
  7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
  8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
  9. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
  10. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.”
  11. “A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus”
  12. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
  13. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
  14. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
  15. “He would argue with a signpost.”
  16. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
  17. “When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.”
  18. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
  19. “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
  20. “A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
  21. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
  22. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
  23. “He’s got two brain cells, one is lost and the other is looking for it.”
  24. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
  25. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’ll get change.”
  26. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”
  27. “It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
  28. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
  29. “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.”
  30. “Takes him 2 hours to watch ’60 Minutes.”
  31. “The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

Enjoy this article? Now spoil yourself with more good laughs in our humour section here

Original author unknown.

What undesirable comments have you received on your performance reviews?

Please share!

Mischieverse is Suzan St Maur's first book of naughty, humorous poetry ... coming soon from Corona Books UK.Thinking of buying some gifts for folks with a good sense of humour? Check out my latest book of hilarious and somewhat rude poems about the things that get up our noses every day … perfect to chuckle over. In print or Kindle.
Some samples here.
Buy it here.
“An amusing sideways look at anything and everything … the perfect gift.” A E Rawson, novelist.
You’ll love it.




  1. Ah brilliant. Made my morning