50 Shades of Bad English Writing

Dakota Johnson, wondering why on earth she agreed to star in 50 Shades of Gross

As you know, we’re very particular about using correct English here on HTWB, so in honor of the new movie (which I expect is now making stars Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan cringe with embarrassment) here is the HTWB 50 Shades of Bad English Writing.

Let’s just hope you find this as badly written as the book which inspired both this article and the movie…

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
25. If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it  correctly.
26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out
32. Don’t get your their, they’re and there mixed up, or their’ll be trouble
33. Can something effect an affect on you?
34. Don’t overuse leader dots … you know … those three little dots close together…
35. Avoid tautology at 6 a.m. in the morning
36. Don’t prostate yourself in fear of prostrate cancer
37. Alliteration makes much more mindful misery when overused
38. More than one occasional exclamation mark looks vulgar!!
39. Acronyms should be avoided when SCUBA diving
40. Capitalized headlines LoOk VeRy BoRiNg
41. Chili is anything but chilly
42. Never compare a compère with an entertainer
43. Myriad is not a noun, but an adjective which has a myriad of synonyms
44. Is every day an everyday experience?
45. Heroine: illegal, injectable courage?
46. Moose is a particularly filling dessert
47. You shouldn’t have been fishing there in the first plaice
48. Consult the right wright before you write about that rite
49. Before beginning to write, ensure your paper is stationary
50. Never gush with praise when admiring quite the most exquisite and delicious dessert you have ever tasted

Now – who can make that 51?

Image thanks to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dakota_Johnson

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