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How to write funny jokes – yes, even about horses

On a Friday afternoon in April, 2011 we had a little party (April 29th to be precise,  after that other little party in honour of some wedding or other in London, England…) to celebrate the launch of my latest book, “The Pony Lover’s Joke Book.” This is at the multi-award winning equestrian superstore whose owner asked me to do a joke book about ponies. She sells loads of my earlier title, “The Horse Lover’s Joke Book” and thought the pony book would do well too.

Are horses funny?

People who keep horses always laugh at this gag, largely because it’s true: “how do you make a small fortune out of horses? Start with a large fortune.” Despite this the vast majority of horse owners in the UK, Canada, the USA and I suspect most other industrialised countries are not filthy rich (any more!) but hard-working individuals who often have to do two jobs just to afford the livery costs, vets’ bills, feed, tack, bedding, grazing, clothing, transportation, etc., etc.

If you know where to look you can find humour in just about anything (I even find humour in cancer-related stories and incidents, as you can see on my CancerComicStrip blog.) And in the world of horses there is an absolute goldmine of opportunities for funny jokes.

A good place to start looking for humour is within jargon

Nearly always there is a jargon for any particular sport, activity, or even business. Often jargon can be used for amusing wordplays and double meanings. Take the following horsey terms, for example:

Flash Noseband(real meaning: a crossover-styled nose band within a horse’s bridle) A noseband which cashes in on the current rage for fashion statements comprising utterly outrageous glitter, sparkle, Swarovksi crystals and other bling which riders hope will catch the judges’ eyes and divert their attention away from a) a number of fences down or b) a really bad dressage test.

Gaited Horse(real meaning: a North American horse trained to go in artificial paces as well as the four natural ones) A US term referring to their extraordinary horses which not only do walk, trot, canter and gallop but also can be taught  boogie-woogie, jive, quick-step, waltz, rumba, cha-cha, salsa and Ceroc.

Livery(real meaning: board and lodging for a horse at a livery yard/horse farm) How parents say they feel when they are obliged to get up at some insane hour of the morning to take their kids to a show or rally, after having had far too much to drink the night before.

 

Then, you can take jargon terms and change them slightly

Crab biting: a condition whereby the horse crib bites sideways (crib biting is a bad habit that stabled horses can get into when bored – they chew out the wood around their stables…)

Faminitis: a disease suffered by many equids, particularly ponies, causing them to escape from their stables and attempt to raid the feed bins (play on the word “laminitis” which is an all too common disease of horses and ponies)

Thoroughdread: a thoroughbred horse who has just noticed a garbage bag that’s caught in the hedge and which is now flapping in the breeze (this was inspired by my own mare who was a real “thoroughdread!)

Now, how about adapting some silly jokes?

What kind of horse wears a sweater, jeans, and cheap boots? A plainclothes police horse

What time is it when a fat pony sits on the fence?  Time to mend the fence!

What’s spotted, stands in a puddle when it rains and doesn’t get wet? An Appaloosa with an umbrella!

And to round off, some “boyfriend” jokes

Why ponies are better than boyfriends

  • Ponies’ feet and shoes usually don’t smell, unlike a boyfriend’s stinky socks and shoes
  • You won’t get upset if your pony forgets to send you a Valentine’s card
  • Ponies do not normally get big problems with zits
  • Ponies do not play drums or loud guitar music in terrible rock bands
  • Ponies’ stables are not littered with a half-metre depth of empty Coke cans, week-old, mouldy takeaway curry leftovers, school books, laptops and dirty laundry

What else?

With a bit of thought, you can adapt the joke styles I’ve just described to suit a large number of other topics, as I mentioned above. Here are some more styles you can try:

  1. Adaptations of nursery rhymes and children’s stories
  2. Spoof “etiquette” rules … (would love to do one on golf…!)
  3. Essential knowledge for newbies (spoof on what people new to the activity can expect)
  4. Wordplay using adapted titles of TV shows and movies
  5. If you crossed an X with a Y you’d get a Z (e.g. Highland [pony] – Shih Tzu [dog]: HighShihtz, a pony with unfortunate intestinal issues)
  6. How many (whatevers) does it take to change a light bulb?
  7. Spoof on rules/issues of the sport/activity (e.g. Your 15 metre circle shape reminds the judge that she needs to buy some eggs on her way home)
  8. And many more….!!

 

NB If you’re interested in the two horsey joke books, here’s where to find them (they make great gifts!)

The Horse Lover’s Joke Book: UK here, and USA here

The Pony Lover’s Joke Book: UK here, and USA here

Some jokes written specially for Labor Day

A few written chuckles for Labor Day – to accompany our heartfelt wishes of luck to all of you threatened by the monster Hurricane Dorian and other storms this year.Labor Day 2019Labor Day celebrates the contribution of workers to North Americans’ economy. North Americans celebrate it by not working.

A woman came home from work and ranted about her boss. She said, “I’m never going to work for that man again!”
“Why, what did he say to you?”
“You’re fired.”

I’m going to spend Labor Day putting my liver to work. [Read more…]

Déjà vu jokes … plus a few more, 2019

Updated and republished July 13th, 2019: Déjà Vu for You Too? Some updated smiles for you …

Thanks to Nigel Jamie Bangs who originally shared this gag on my Facebook group, The Joke Street Journal (please join if you want some good laughs.) The original thought was this: Deja poo jokesAnd that got me thinking. So I started writing…..and writing…..and writing……and I came up with the following. Now in July 2019 I have come up with a few more. But … let’s get you thinking of even more!

Déjà Boo:  Boring people with ghost stories when it isn’t Halloween

Déjà Blue: Long-standing UK Conservative / US Democrat voter [Read more…]

Favourite Brexit and Trump jokes written for the long weekend

Amazingly today is yet another public holiday (May 27th 2019) amounting to at least three in the countries that I know of. ( UK: Easter, May Day and this one, plus a few as shown below. All within a few weeks of each other.)

In the UK it’s the “Spring Bank Holiday

This sort-of combines with the Christian event of Whitsun and also heralds the beginning of England’s school “half-term” holiday that includes yet another statutory Monday off, which is why schools use it in order to accept children missing four days of school when it might have been five…shame, kids. (This p*sses teachers off, too.) The actual date of the religious event of Whitsun / Pentecost is on June 9th this year but hey, never mind.

Image of Theresa May

“Brexit is (like) having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.” – Matt Abbott

“Memorial Day” in the USA This is a federal holiday in the United States for remembering and honoring people who have died while serving in the United States Armed Forces. Hats off to all you guys and gals but I’m not sure I’d want to remember your ultimate sacrifice with a BBQ. Whatever.

“Victoria Day” in Canada
We Canadians are probably the last of the British Commonwealth “Mohicans” to celebrate the birth of Britain’s Queen Victoria. Yes, we are a little slow in updating ourselves but we are working on it. Happy birthday, our Vic.

Never mind: let’s have a few laughs…Brexit first:

[Read more…]

Ridiculous Easter jokes revisited again – with a twist this time

It’s time for Easter jokes and here are our old favourites once again, but this year I’ve updated my comments to reflect current issues, climates and other thorns in our side and added some new and intriguing thoughts.

Humorous Easter Eggs on How To Write Better

Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke? It might crack up. (Or poach the joke.)

(If nothing else your kids will love them, and they’ll be able to explain them to you. Well, maybe not those about Donald Duckrump.)

Here we go…

Writing jokes about Easter: enjoy…

A white rooster was strutting around the henhouse on Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every colour of the rainbow. He took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the living daylights out of the resident peacock. (Explain that one, or if you don’t understand it ask a bright 8-year-old.)

What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an over-stressed person?
An Easter basket case! (Plenty of those in the White House these days. One in particular.)

How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
EGG-xercise and HARE-robics! (Hares and rabbits are two entirely different animals, but never mind.) [Read more…]

How to write speeches for a same-sex wedding

Having written quite a lot about speeches for almost everyone in “conventional” weddings, I have been asked many times for some tips on writing speeches for same-sex weddings.

wedding speeches at same-sex weddings

If you are making a speech at a same-sex wedding the most important homework you can do is to research your audience very carefully

At first glance that may seem a reasonable question. But having attended a number of same-sex weddings as well as bi-sex weddings, I find that one fact springs up at me time and time again, like the handle of a rake I just stepped on.

That is, what the hell difference is there? Weddings are about two people who love each other who want to formalise their relationship and share that with their families and friends. End of. Did I miss something here?

Anyway still, in some social circles, we’re expected to regard same-sex weddings as, er, different … until such time as everyone gets on with the fact that they’re not. It’s true to say that such things are changed for the better via evolution, not revolution. [Read more…]

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