Search Results for: valentines day

Valentines Day love from the Grammar Police

You can’t say we don’t celebrate romance here on #HTWB … even the Grammar Police have, er, something to say about Valentine’s Day. If you want an alternative to the schmaltzy goo that permeates February 14th, you’re in the right place. Enjoy.

HTWB Valentines Day humor

Take my heart its yours on a plate. Keep it till you learn how to punctuate.

VALENTINE’S DAY WITH THE GRAMMAR POLICE

Roses are red, violets are blue
That’s just a cliché. Don’t like it? Go scr*w.

Violets is blue, roses is red,
Get noun/verbs together, you puerile d*ckhead.

And roses are red while violets are blue
Don’t start with conjunctions, they’re strictly taboo. [Read more…]

Valentine’s Day jokes and poems to make your day go with a, er, bang

A few years ago I curated some amusing Valentine’s Day (rude in places) content, and wrote quite a lot of new content in its honour.

Updated humour about Valentines Day on HTWBIf you should find yourself not quite in the gooey-eyed, romantic mood you should be in, say “to hell with it” and have some laughs. Here’s that content again…

Valentine’s Day rhyming couplets

Romantic first lines, not-so-romantic second lines

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was p*ssed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you would hide your face. [Read more…]

Writing poems for romantic occasions

I was looking out some love poems for a client the other day and found this wonderful old favourite by Elizabeth Barrett Browning – perfect for St Valentine’s Day, don’t you think?

Sonnets From The Portuguese

– Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday’s

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints,–I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life!–and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

So inspired was I by Browning’s beautiful words, that I decided to write some poems of my own to share with you this Valentine’s Day. Here goes…

On Valentine’s Day just last year

I slapped my true love round the ear

It came up in a blister

So he slept with my sister

Then left, shouting “tough titty, dear!”

 

Oh Valentine, will you be mine?

For your love, I really do pine!

What’s that? You would rather

Stick a knife in your father?

Piss off then, you’re well out of line.

 

Let’s hear it for Valentine’s Day!

Nonstop kisses and hugs and foreplay

It’s all hearts and flowers

For 24 hours

Then it’s back to our bitch-slapping way.

 

No, I don’t plan to give up the day job yet.

Now, for some slightly more serious writing help…

“Super Speeches”…how to write and deliver them well

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

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