A bumper fun post of Valentine’s poetry

Welcome to another romantic Valentine’s celebration! And here is a compendium of all my favourite Valentine’s poems (most of them written by moi) to give you a smile or six. Enjoy.

Take my heart its yours on a plate / Keep it till you learn how to punctuate.

Roses are red, violets are blue
Sorry I’m snotty, but I’ve got the flu. (NB: not coronavirus.)

Roses are red, violets are blue
Please put the seat down when you’ve used the loo.

Roses are red, violets are blue
Never mind courting, just pass me a brew.

Roses are red, violets are blue
I’m quite good-looking; what happened to you?

Roses are red, violets are blue
Life was OK until I met you.

Roses are red, violets are blue
Why that should be, I haven’t a clue.

Violets are blue, roses are red
I hate your guts and I wish you were dead.

Violets are blue, roses are red
The last thing I’d go near is your smelly bed.

Violets are blue, roses are red
You don’t look too bad with that bag on your head.

Violets are blue, roses are red
Shame your backside is the size of a shed.

Violets are blue, roses are red
Your beard is smelly – why not shave off your head?

On Valentine’s Day just last year
I slapped my true love round the ear
It came up in a blister
So he slept with my sister
Then left, shouting “tough titty, dear!”

Oh Valentine, will you be mine?
For your love, I really do pine!
What’s that? You would rather
Stick a knife in your father?
P*ss off then, you’re well out of line.

Let’s hear it for Valentine’s Day!
Nonstop kisses and hugs and foreplay
It’s all hearts and flowers
For 24 hours
Then it’s back to our bitch-slapping way.

Love may be fabulous, sweetness and bliss
But I only wed you ’cause I’d been on the p*ss.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so are you
But your roses
Are fading
The violets are dead
The sugar bowl’s empty
And so is your head.

Your eyes were like diamonds picked out to adorn “yer”
More like baseball diamonds with sacks in each corner.

With loving beauty you floated with grace
If only you could have hidden your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you were not.

You were such a hero when I was in labour
Left me in peace while you slept with our neighbour.

I loved to be with you from when newlywed
As long as you left that paper bag on your head.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Lucky I’m so clever at telling lies.

My sweetheart, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you really screwed up my life.

You were all I could ask for to make a great hubby
So sad you went bald and turned out really chubby.

I saw your face when I was dreaming
That’s why I always woke up screaming.

My sweetheart, you took my breath away
What strange disease made your breath smell this way?

You were always so active – a lover of all sports
That’s why I had to divorce a whole golf course.

My feelings for you no words could tell
Except for maybe “go to hell.”

What inspired this loving rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime

Your face was just perfect, your body divine
You looked even better with each glass of wine

Now how should I phrase this romantic epistle?
You resemble a bulldog licking p*ss off a thistle.

We may as well laugh at English grammar...it's THAT ridiculous!

And for the grammar fascists…

Roses are red, violets are blue
That’s just a cliché. Don’t like it? Go screw.

Violets is blue, roses is red,
Get noun/verbs together, you puerile d*ckhead.

And roses are red while violets are blue
Don’t start with conjunctions, they’re strictly taboo.

I’ll love you my dearest to the moon and back
Please don’t exaggerate or I’ll give you a smack.

Take my heart its yours on a plate
Keep it till you learn how to punctuate.

I think I love you, or maybe its fantasy?
Never mind that. Where’s the ****ing apostrophe?

To truly love you, that’s what I intend
You split an infinitive: you’re not my friend.

Posies are cosies and I love your nosies
Please! Shove the poetry – I just love grossies.

Cherie, je t’aime et j’aimerai te baiser
French doesn’t fool me. You want a quick lay.

I think I love you my dear Valentine
Get off the pot and decide: are you mine?

Your the one lover I wants to discover
Well, keep on looking. Your grammar’s a bummer.

I love your face!!! And your eyes!!! And your glamour!!!
Those exclamation marks need a hit with a hammer.

Since encountering you I am thunderstruck
Get over it, dipstick. Those long words just suck.

Sweetheart, you’re stunning, a beautiful dame
Goodbye, and next time try to recall my name.

Your eyes are like diamonds that sparkle in light
That simile’s awful. Clichéd and pure sh*te.

Conversating with you is sweet to my ears
Don’t be pretentious. Let’s have a few beers.

You are my heavenly gift from the gods
You’re why I still need to keep kissing frogs.

Happy Valentine’s Day anyway!