Airline pilot specials: jokes for the frequent flier

airline pilots,crew,cabin crew,plane,aircraft,jokes,funny,hilariousWhether it’s spending long hours at high altitude or just a heightened sense of humor, airline pilots, crew and other flight workers are the butt of some classic jokes. Here are some of my favorites…

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: “Guess where!”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!”……….
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
“That’s nothing,” mumbled a passenger. “He should see the back of mine.”

One day the pilot of a Piper Arrow was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a 737 came in. The 737 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Arrow.
Some quick-witted comedian in the 737 crew got on the radio and said,  “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Arrow pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of 737 parts.  Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for a second one.”

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by Quantas pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (the pilot meant the engine was mis-firing)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

airline pilots,crew,cabin crew,plane,aircraft,jokes,funny,hilarious

Those were the days!

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?”
“Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?”
The little old lady said, “did we land or were we shot down?”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day … during the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate.”

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy admitted that this was the case.
“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask your mother to explain that to you.”

A peppery woman at the airline ticket counter was complaining long and loudly about the delay in her plane’s departure. “Young man,” she snapped at the agent, “the way you people run this airline a witch on a janitor’s broom could get there faster!” The agent, with just a hint of a smile, says, “the runways are clear, madam. Please feel free.”

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter, yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, “Does that happen often? I can’t believe how nice you were to him.”
The agent smiled and said, “No problem, I took care of it. He’s going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok.”

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, “What time is it?”
The tower responded, “Who is calling?”
The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”
The tower replied, “It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday afternoon.”

What are your favorite airline jokes? Please share!

photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc
photo credit: x-ray delta one via photopin cc





  1. Aussie bloke says

    The jokes supposedly from QANTAS don’t add up. QANTAS is an Australian airline and Aussies spell words using the correct English spelling, not the incorrect American way. Your joke included “tire” which is US incorrect spelling whereas QANTAS staff would spell it correctly as “tyre”.

    • Hi there, Aussie bloke. Sorry about the spelling mix-up. And by the way, jokes don’t really have to “add up,” as long as they’re funny! That QUANTAS gag has been around since before you were born and probably even before I was born, so it has put in quite a few, er, air miles… Sz x


  1. […] you’re writing for a specific audience, use “in-jokes” where you can. In a business context these will poke innocent fun at your industry and/or […]