Many thanks to my Canadian cousin Mike for sharing these hilarious medical terms. I hasten to say that he is not a doctor and it’s just as well, given the terrifying thought that someone might take these seriously.
I have added some thoughts to expand and enhance the originals a little. Enjoy.
A glossary of medical terms we hope you will never hear
Artery: the appreciation and study of sculpture, paintings, objets d’art, etc
Aspirate: a recent Americanism meaning to aspire, but adding a syllable to make it seem more important (e.g. “converse” versus “conversate”)
Bacteria: back entrance to the cafeteria
Barium: what undertakers do
Benign: what you are after you be eight
Caesarean section: a rather painful suburb of Rome
Candida: a television programme where medical issues are discussed openly and without moderation
Cannula: sleazy suggestion of a naughty date
Capsule: small sterile hat, similar to a Kippah, worn by surgeons in the operating theatre
Catscan: what you do when you’re trying to get your cat to come back into the house late at night
Cauterise: made eye contact with a lady
Colic: a herding dog with poor digestion
Coma: punctuation mark indicating a long, slow pause
Conservative management: medical conditions treated by members of the UK’s Tory party or Republicans in the USA.
Dilate: to live to a ripe old age
Drip: the definition of a member of staff with the personality of a paving stone
Enema: a female enemy
Femur: a furry animal closely related to a lemur
Fester: a New Zealander who outruns everyone (think about the accent, OK?)
Fibula: a white (or, well, an almost white) lie
Gastroenteritis: how to design the main entrance of a gastro-pub
Impotent: description of a bigwig by someone with a slight speech impediment
Inpatient: where the correct dosage of drugs should be
Intubate: upload a video to YouTube for the first time
Lab report: the first impressions of a gun dog when asked to sniff you over
Labour pain (1): an injury in the workplace
Labour pain (2): inter-party disputes affecting political harmony
Medical staff: the walking stick used by a senior doctor
Morbid: a better offer on a sale, hence…
Morbidity: what auctioneers should be good at
Nervous system: a system which is untried and so should be put into beta testing before proceeding further
Nitrates: usually more expensive than day rates
Node: what someone in the histo-pathology department should have known
Outpatient: an patient admitted in an unconscious state
Pelvis: a condition common to Elvis Presley impersonators
PICC line: telephone chat line for coal miners, construction workers, etc
Port: small device that sits just under the skin and delivers measured doses of high quality port wine
Post operative: someone responsible for collecting and dispensing the mail
Prostate: how a man lies down when he needs to pee
Recovery room: where hospital furniture is re-upholstered
Rectum: what a heavy night on the booze did to the off-duty junior doctors
Secretion: the computer bug that manages to lose a patient’s records
Seizure: the Roman emperor who suffered from epilepsy
Tablet: a hand-held computer that can keep recovering patients amused for hours
Terminal illness: a condition common to people who have lengthy waits for buses and planes
Tumour: two extra hospital appointments you weren’t expecting to need
Urine: what you’re told when you pass the initiation rituals after med school
What other medical terms can you, er, help us define?
Please share!
For more humour here on HTWB please take a browse here … you’ll be laughing for hours.
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