Alternative medical terms for patients with a sense of humour

Many thanks to my Canadian cousin Mike for sharing these hilarious medical terms. I hasten to say that he is not a doctor and it’s just as well, given the terrifying thought that someone might take these seriously.

Alternative medical terms for patients with a sense of humour
I have added some thoughts to expand and enhance the originals a little. Enjoy.

A glossary of medical terms we hope you will never hear

Artery: the appreciation and study of sculpture, paintings, objets d’art, etc

Aspirate: a recent Americanism meaning to aspire, but adding a syllable to make it seem more important (e.g. “converse” versus “conversate”)

Bacteria: back entrance to the cafeteria

Barium: what undertakers do

Benign: what you are after you be eight

Caesarean section: a rather painful suburb of Rome

Candida: a television programme where medical issues are discussed openly and without moderation

Cannula: sleazy suggestion of a naughty date

Capsule: small sterile hat, similar to a Kippah, worn by surgeons in the operating theatre

Catscan: what you do when you’re trying to get your cat to come back into the house late at night

Cauterise: made eye contact with a lady

Colic: a herding dog with poor digestion

Coma: punctuation mark indicating a long, slow pause

Conservative management: medical conditions treated by members of the UK’s Tory party or Republicans in the USA.

Dilate: to live to a ripe old age

Drip: the definition of a member of staff with the personality of a paving stone

Enema: a female enemy

Femur: a furry animal closely related to a lemur

Fester: a New Zealander who outruns everyone (think about the accent, OK?)

Fibula: a white (or, well, an almost white) lie

Gastroenteritis: how to design the main entrance of a gastro-pub

Impotent: description of a bigwig by someone with a slight speech impediment

Inpatient: where the correct dosage of drugs should be

Intubate: upload a video to YouTube for the first time

Lab report: the first impressions of a gun dog when asked to sniff you over

Labour pain (1): an injury in the workplace

Labour pain (2): inter-party disputes affecting political harmony

Medical staff: the walking stick used by a senior doctor

Morbid: a better offer on a sale, hence…

Morbidity: what auctioneers should be good at

Nervous system: a system which is untried and so should be put into beta testing before proceeding further

Nitrates: usually more expensive than day rates

Node: what someone in the histo-pathology department should have known

Outpatient: an patient admitted in an unconscious state

Pelvis: a condition common to Elvis Presley impersonators

PICC line: telephone chat line for coal miners, construction workers, etc

Port: small device that sits just under the skin and delivers measured doses of high quality port wine

Post operative: someone responsible for collecting and dispensing the mail

Prostate: how a man lies down when he needs to pee

Recovery room: where hospital furniture is re-upholstered

Rectum: what a heavy night on the booze did to the off-duty junior doctors

Secretion: the computer bug that manages to lose a patient’s records

Seizure: the Roman emperor who suffered from epilepsy

Tablet: a hand-held computer that can keep recovering patients amused for hours

Terminal illness: a condition common to people who have lengthy waits for buses and planes

Tumour: two extra hospital appointments you weren’t expecting to need

Urine: what you’re told when you pass the initiation rituals after med school

What other medical terms can you, er, help us define?

Please share!

For more humour here on HTWB please take a browse here … you’ll be laughing for hours.