An, er, alternative Christmas quiz

Much as we all love to play games during the Holidays … I don’t know about you but I get heartily fed up with Monopoly, Christmas quizzes about the names of all Santa’s reindeer, and trying to laugh at the feeble jokes implanted into Christmas crackers.

Santa indicating the correct way to the North Pole after having been let down by his Sat Nav and found himself returned to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Here, then, is a short quiz you and your folks might like to play instead of the pedestrian old stuff. I have tried very hard to keep it Safe For Work but just in case, don’t print this out and show it to your five-year-old, OK? And the answers are not rigid: creativity and rudeness should probably score higher.

The HTWB Alternative Christmas Quiz: the questions

Don’t cheat and scroll down for the answers right away unless a) you’re a spoilsport, b) you hate quizzes, or c) you’re dying for a comfort break.

Question #1: why is each year’s number one song in the UK so ****ing boring?

Question #2: why do you need to get your chimney swept in time for Christmas?

Question #3: why are Santa’s elves in such a good mood this year?

Question #4: what is the favourite Christmas Carol of all parents of children under the age of six?

Question #5: which Christmas Carol is favoured by most people who support free love and contraception restricted to the rhythm method only?

Question #6: what is the Christmas plant connected most closely to the kissing of feet?

Question #7: of all the days of Christmas, which one is most closely connected to a popular spectator sport?

Question #8: what Christmas Carol has become especially popular in the last couple of years in Canada, related to that country’s recent legalisation of cannabis?

Question #9: of all the Christmas foods, which is the one most likely to cause bloating, gas and other IBS symptoms, especially when eaten to excess?

Question #10: what creature makes a noise that sounds like the words “gobble, gobble?”

And the answers are …. (keep scrolling)

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Santa out looking for “Flasher,” his escaped reindeer.

OKies, here we go

Question #1: why is each year’s number one song in the UK so ****ing boring?  Rather like the Eurovision Song Contest, Christmas music has to be very vanilla to sort-of please everyone, from grannies to toddlers. The only way for the rest of us to enjoy it is after a good few gins or a, er, recreational cigarette.

Question #2: why do you need to get your chimney swept in time for Christmas?  So Santa doesn’t get his suit filthy. He will soon be bankrupted by the cost of dry cleaning in the North Pole (I’ve heard that everything is becoming so expensive there: are they planning to join the EU?)

Question #3: why are Santa’s elves in such a good mood this year?  Because Boris Johnson has said the UK government is to invest £34 billion in the National Elf Service.

Question #4: what is the favourite Christmas Carol of all parents of children under the age of six?  Silent Night.

Question #5: which Christmas Carol is favoured by most people who support free love, with contraception restricted to the rhythm method only?  O Come All Ye Faithful.

Question #6: what is the Christmas plant connected closely to the random kissing of feet?  Mistletoe (geddit?)

Question #7: of all the days of Christmas, which one is most closely connected to a popular spectator sport?  Boxing Day. 

Question #8: what Christmas Carol has become especially popular in the last couple of years in Canada, related to that country’s recent legalisation of cannabis?  Ding, Dong Merrily On High.

Question #9: of all the Christmas foods, which is the one most likely to cause bloating, gas and other IBS symptoms, especially when eaten to excess?  Stuffing.

Question #10: what creature makes a noise that sounds like the words “gobble, gobble?”  A Christmas turkey. The line in full reads “gobble, gobble, you’re in trouble, my bodyguards will make you hobble. Get with vegan / vegetarian or you’ll need a veterinarian.” 

Now – please share the most creative answers you came up with!

(And have a wonderful Holiday week.)

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