And now that the feasting is over…

If you spent a lot of time cooking and catering over the Holidays you may well identify with this little poem I penned for us last year. Pour yourself a glass of leftover eggnog or wine, then read and enjoy…

And now that the feasting is over...

If anyone asks me for more bits of turkey, I’ll smack ‘em so hard that their faces won’t worky.

Christmas is over
The turkey is gone
Dismembered, digested
And perfectly spun…

…into many waste products
Down sewers and wells
In unmentionable forms
With unmentionable smells.

We who have cooked this
Are weary and tired
It’s like running a restaurant
Wrongly acquired.

If anyone asks me
For more bits of turkey
I’ll smack ‘em so hard that
Their faces won’t worky.

Cranberry sauce?
More gravy and stuffing?
Go fix it yourselves
And no, I’m not bluffing.

My nails are all broken
My makeup is running
To think before Christmas
I looked pretty stunning.

And now that the feasting is over...Now I resemble
A butcher in manners
With meat smells and fingers
That look like bananas.

My stomach is bulging
My hair is all matted
My face looks a bit like
A ball that’s been batted.

My clothes are all splattered
With goose grease and gravy
And water stains just like
You’d get in the navy.

So what am I going to
Cook for tomorrow?
Roast beef? Roast chicken?
A nifty stuffed marrow?

A roast pork with crackling?
A juicy roast duck?
Now, here’s the bad news
I don’t give a f***.

And now that the feasting is over...My time of delivering
These tasty creations
Has come to an end
I’ve just made reservations…

…for a restaurant, (risking
being slightly offensive)
As I love their food
And it’s bloody expensive.

And here’s the bonus
Oh, love of my life
You’re paying for the whole meal
To honor your wife.


Excerpted from “Engli-Verse” – a collection of slightly rude poems by Suzan St Maur, to be published in 2016.

© Suzan St Maur 2015-2016