ATTEN-SHUN! A few funnies from the Forces…

 

A Navy Admiral (which Navy will go unspecified) was being court-martialled for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of “being out of uniform.”

The Admiral’s lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: “A Naval Officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged.”

The Admiral was acquitted.

The new Ensign was assigned to submarines, where he’d dreamed of working since a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Sub School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, “Listen, ‘sir’, it’s real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface.  Divide that number by two. If the result doesn’t come out even, don’t open the hatch.”

 US Army Private Jones was filling out a questionnaire for an online correspondence course. He wasn’t sure what to put for one of the questions: “How long as your present employer been in business?”

So he shrugged and put, “Since 1776.”

During World War II Richard Wynn, on flight duty with the 8th Air Force Division in Europe was shot down and captured by the Germans. After a year as prisoner of war, he escaped and made his way back to his bomber group in England. One of his first acts there was to hunt up the corporal on duty in the parachute building.

“Corporal,” he said, “a year ago I had occasion to use one of the parachutes that your men had packed and I want you to know how delighted I was to find it in perfect working order. I give you my deepest compliments and appreciation.”

“You know, Lieutenant, funny thing,” the corporal replied. “In this work we never get any complaints.”

 After the Vietnam War the Marine Corps found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied “from the tip of my penis to my testicles.” It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Major to “drop ’em”, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Major’s penis and began to work back.

“My God!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The Major calmly replied “Vietnam.”

Bumper sticker seen on a B-2 Stealth Bomber:

“IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE’VE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS.”

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, “Quick sister, please hide me I don’t want to be drafted and the M.P.’s are chasing me!”

She lifted up her skirt and said, “Quick hide under here.” The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, “No.”

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, “You have a nice set of legs for a nun!”

She replied, “If you reach up a little farther you’ll find a nice set of b*lls too. I’m not going to be drafted either.”

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew’s quarters of his ship one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.

“Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?” the officer demanded.

“No, sir, but we don’t land airplanes on the roof, either.”

Attention! Get your writing right, right here:

“Super Speeches”…how to write and deliver them well

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

“Business Writing Made Easy”…everything you need to know about writing for business in English

Comments

comments

Thoughts

*

css.php