Book cover design: key tips to make yours work

Great news! You’ve written a book – your first book perhaps? – and if you’re self or hybrid publishing (as many people do now) you need to commission a cover design that will do your superb words the justice they deserve.

Book cover design: key tips to make yours work

My own design for an eBook – hardly art, but it ticks all the boxes for nonfiction

Not surprisingly, what your book cover design needs to take into consideration depends to a large extent on the following key issues… [Read more…]

14 really clever puns, thanks to Ellen

This week’s #SundaySmile is a small but perfectly formed collection of clever puns, (or we should say, quality puns) as shared by my good friend Ellen of the excellent All About Quality company in southern England…14 really clever puns, thanks to EllenPsssstt … don’t tell Ellen, but I have heard a couple of these before … however there are some here that are new to me and, IMHO, are hilarious. Enjoy.

Which pun is your favourite?

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

14 really clever puns, thanks to Ellen

Sir Cumference: ate too much pi ?

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. Would a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

14 really clever puns, thanks to Ellen

We’ll all go on ahead.

10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

13. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

14. Would a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray be a seasoned veteran.

How many of these puns have you heard before?

Please share, so I’ll know to knock them off any future lists!

Have a great week. Sz x

 

 

 

Does your book’s title really need to be SEO friendly?

You’re writing a book – or you’ve finished it – and now you’re looking for the right title that’s going to whack it up to the Number 1 spot on Amazon.

Does your book's title really need to be SEO friendly?

Where the title and tagline really do matter, is in the book’s page listing on Amazon (and all other online book retailers, too.)

Like every other kind of literature from a hard-boiled selling point of view, your book’s title needs to shout out not what the author or publisher thinks portrays the gist of the story.

Nope: what the title (and its hangers-on i.e. taglines, blurbs, etc. which we’ve looked at elsewhere on HTWB) needs to convey is what this book is going to do for you. [Read more…]

If you spam in English, FFS learn how to write it first

Do you spit fur and feathers when you get a spam-mail that insults your website’s performance … in bad, incorrect English? I do. I know I should just hit the delete key but these people’s conceited belligerence brings out the Taurean beast in me, as well as my writer’s indignancy at their often ridiculous use of our crazy language.

If you spam in English, FFS learn how to write it first

Do yourselves a favour: hire a native English language copywriter to rewrite your mailshots so at least some English speakers might take you seriously.

Jenny finds my website “very perspective” and it could soon disappear from search

Our Jenny Jones works for a company called Semalt.com, based in the Ukraine (or maybe Russia.) Here’s how she thought she could bully me into submission, notwithstanding the fact that her English is laughable… [Read more…]

25 written tips for wannabee pony owners…

With the summer holidays looming in the northern hemisphere a number of children (mainly little girls) will be winding parents up to get them a pony. For the benefit of uninitiated parents, I wrote this advice to help you understand what you might be letting yourself in for.

written tips about owning a pony

It will not be a good guard animal – ponies are wimps.

Much as your child’s first pony might look like a fluffy German Shepherd Dog or a very large cat, be warned…

Before you buy or borrow a pony, read the following:

[Read more…]

Writing about cycling dangers: where next?

About a year ago I was trolled by nearly 400, er, trollers, because I wrote a social media post saying that the death of a lady cyclist – mother, and citizen – due to a collision with a van in one of the UK’s very crowded town centres – might have been avoided had there been better (and separated) facilities for motor-powered vehicles and cycles in that town.

Writing about cycling dangers: where next?

“Actually motorists give cyclists a wider berth if they aren’t wearing helmets, anyway” says Rosie. Would you take that chance? And with your small child in a flimsy cycle trailer?

These cyclist trolls infested every element of my social media presence, my Amazon author page, my Google status and more to the point threatened me in my home (at the time I lived alone) and followed me around in every imaginable online place.

They were furiously writing to all and sundry about what an awful woman I must be to say that cyclists should watch out for motorised traffic and ride defensively, rather than blithely hit the roads and expect any other road users to shape up and ship out of the way. Especially in the southern part of the UK where totally inadequate roads are mostly choked with heavy traffic and grumpy drivers, the self-righteous superiority attitude of many cyclists is, in my view, an accident waiting to happen.

Here we go again … are small children safe on crowded roads in these flimsy cycle trailers?

[Read more…]

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