Baby boo-boos … these will make you laugh

babies,birth,giving birth,having a baby,jokes,funny jokes,humor

Giving birth to a baby usually isn’t funny at all

Giving birth to a baby usually isn’t funny at all … whether from thinking about it in general terms beforehand, through the pregnancy, through the birth and, well, all the way up to the time they go to college. Oh, no wait – up until the time when they choose your nursing home … so remember to be nice to them.

In the meantime, though…

For those women who are thinking about becoming mothers

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes school. (But don’t count on it.)

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your bloody question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labour, just pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Don’t fall for the “where do I come from” gag

One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did I come from?”

Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son’s eyes got wider and wider.

When Dad was finished, his son said, “Wow, that’s really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Manchester.”

What were  you doing at the time?

Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to triplets.

“You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?” said the one.

“Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any work?”

Those awful night feeds…

“Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?”

“No. I always did that.”

“That must have been before you had women’s liberation.”

“No, it was before we had baby bottles.”

Him, her, and you – d*ckhead

Recently a young woman came into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins.

Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart.

She gave him a funny look before responding, “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth.”

Training for fertility

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee.

He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

“Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.”

Obs/gynaes know how to grab

While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.

Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn’t reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.

I joked, “You must be an emergency room worker.”

“No,” she replied with a grin. “I’m an obstetrician.”

Gifts with a hidden agenda

After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth

“Father’s date of birth?” she asked.

When I told her, she said, “Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son’s birth?”

“No, I hadn’t thought about it,” I responded, “but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date.”

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, “Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday.”

Triple trouble

Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to triplets.

“You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?” said the one.

“Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any work?”

photo credit: idalingi via photopin cc

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