Business writing stories from the coalface…women’s conferences

Business writing stories from the coalface...women's conferencesNot that many years ago I used to augment my writing with work as a conference (convention) producer. This was usually by default when I had already written the scripts but the actual producer failed to show up due to food poisoning / recreational drug use / a better offer, etc.

On this particular occasion I was asked to take a “roadshow” conference out for a 5-venue gig for a company that ran a chain of (now defunct) photo-printing stores in shopping malls and city centers in England.

These shows were to run from lunchtime onwards with business being discussed in the afternoon, drinks early evening, dinner followed by awards presentations, then a cabaret followed by dancing to a DJ.

98 percent of the delegates were women

Yawn. An all women audience. Well, at least we would get to bed at a reasonable hour despite having to strike our set after the shows, load it into the trucks, and travel on to the next destination during the latter part of the night ready to set up and rehearse at the next venue the following morning.

Women are far too sensible to get blind drunk and trash the venues like men do when away at a conference.

Just shows how wrong you can be

These ladies did not only know how to party; they knew how to create utter pandemonium.

They also taught me how to extract fornicating bodies from behind conference sets, slap drunken semi-comatose female faces while hauling off equally drunken lads laid slobbering on top of them, and send profiteering hotel staff off to meet their maker – well, their bosses – for interfering with my clients.

Was I the producer, procurer, or just an utter pillock?

If I had known that each of the 5 venues would contain 200-300 women blitzed on booze and gasping for their first extra-curricular sexual challenge in years, I would have called up as many of my heartier male friends as I could find, told them to rest up for 3 days while consuming a very high-protein diet and then introduced them in a politely controlled series of “breakout rooms.”

However that wasn’t on the menu. So what did happen, was that these rampaging ladies simply attacked all obliging males in the buildings … waiters, night staff, passers-by and significantly, most of my (male) crew and drivers.

As I intimated, my inspection tours post-“disco” on all nights of the roadshow would reveal what remained of backstage paraphernalia. Shining a torch/flashlight, I would note down the number of comatose bodies I tripped over, whether or not they were frozen in what might have eventually turned out to be coitus alcoholicus…

Did we survive?

Fortunately my lads all managed to appear a few hours later and resume their duties with somewhat sleepy smiles on their faces. How we managed to get through all 5 locations on time, on form, with energy and enthusiasm, is anybody’s guess.

There’s an old saying in show business that describes such fleeting sexual encounters as “DCOLs… Doesn’t Count On Location.”

I imagine my crew stored away their memories of this tour in exactly those terms.

As for me, a DCOL was great for my crew’s egos and, er, kept their peckers up. But for the women in our audiences, I guess this was not just about peckers … it was about getting out of their often “small town” environments and letting loose.

Do you think this kind of “letting loose” is a good idea, as long as it stays confidential and no-one else gets hurt by it?

Please share your views!