Why I don’t mind writing that I’m going away

If you’re about to go off on a vacation/holiday, it makes a lot of sense not to say so on your social media as you don’t want to announce to the burglary community that your home will be empty and undefended for two weeks. Such is the advice given very widely by Police forces and other worthies.

How to deter burglars

Do mechanical and electronic security devices really work to deter burglars?

I was pondering this today as I get ready for my annual pilgrimage back home to Ontario, Canada, and had to smile at the thought of what some poor burglars would find if they tried to give my house a working over…

Four sets of very sharp canine teeth and a Taekwondo black belter

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25 written tips for wannabee pony owners…

With the summer holidays looming in the northern hemisphere a number of children (mainly little girls) will be winding parents up to get them a pony. For the benefit of uninitiated parents, I wrote this advice to help you understand what you might be letting yourself in for.

written tips about owning a pony

It will not be a good guard animal – ponies are wimps.

Much as your child’s first pony might look like a fluffy German Shepherd Dog or a very large cat, be warned…

Before you buy or borrow a pony, read the following:

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Written instructions: how to, er, prepare for your first puppy dog

Thinking of getting a fluffy puppy dog to brighten your family’s life? Here’s all you need to know to get ready…LOL…

Written instructions: how to, er, prepare for your first puppy

Even the cutest of small puppies have teeth like needles. A more positive option is to use them to drill holes in leather goods that need lacing up.

Buy a pair of really expensive shoes (Gucci or Jimmy Choo are ideal). Bring them home, remove from box and place on chopping board.  Beat several times with meat tenderising hammer, then clip around edges with pinking shears. Laugh and throw them away.

Take your best white shirt or blouse from the wardrobe. Put it on, go out into garden on a rainy evening and splash liberally with mud. Observe the “dry clean only” label and smile. [Read more…]

A horsey smell to your writing?

How to write better horse humour! If you love horses … or even hate them … you’ll appreciate some of the jokes I have curated – and written – in both of my humour books about these noble creatures: this one about horses, and this one about ponies, but essentially they work as a pair in helping us find humour despite the damned animals costing us fortunes while capturing our hearts.

A horsey smell to your writing?

Big brave horse … LOL…

Many of the jokes I have shared are traditional ones (i.e.out of copyright and free for us all the share.) But, many of the other gags and sequences are original. Hope you like them! And if you want some tips on how to write, curate and adapt jokes, check out this category here. Writing and curating jokes and other humour is a part of professional writing that I truly love, and that seems to attract a lot of interest here on HTWB.

Meanwhile, here are some of my favourite written horsey jokes…enjoy!

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Chicken humor in writing … clucking hilarious!

Warning: if you’re a poultry eater, do not keep chickens as pets – if you do, you’ll never touch alimentary chicken again, despite it being what most omnivores consider to be a healthy option. Almost every day I read stories of chickens rescued from the battery prisons to live their lives out with kind families who love them as pets.

Jokes about chickens

Whether you love chickens to eat, or as pets, or both … here are some jokes to lighten up these dull days of UK winter!

If I were to rescue battery chickens I would be every bit as soppy about them as I am about the other animals I rescue, but, er, let’s not go there now. Farmers, on the other hand, regard chickens as products; sad, I know, but their work feeds the world a lot better than I do. Sooo … enjoy!

Writing jokes about chickens doesn’t harm anyone (even chickens)

Given that we laugh at most things these days – especially written jokes about all sorts of things – here is a selection of some we find the funniest. [Read more…]

Sheep jokes … no, not THOSE – funny ones!

Sheep jokes have a dubious reputation due to many people’s assumptions about what lonely shepherds and farmers get up to with them, but there is hope.

clean sheep jokes

I may be a (male) woolly jumper, but avoid encountering my horns if you want to go on to your full life expectancy.

Here are some sheep jokes that manage to be funny without even hinting at anything too rude. Enjoy! (And while we’re on this topic, whatever you do, don’t tangle with a ram unless he is particularly stupid, as this true story of mine explains…) [Read more…]

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