Writing humour | How To Write Better

Diary of a social distancer – coronavirus jargon buster (sort of)

March 24, 2020 By Suzan St Maur 1 Comment

Thought you might like to share my own definititions to help us find a little bit of humour in the demon bug. Here goes:

Lockdown: move performed during the sport of Stockpiling.

Coronavirus: deadly bug related to some simple cold viruses but makes them look like pimples on an elephant’s butt by comparison. Also a combination of two words into one, which I hate. Like ‘anymore’ instead of ‘any more.’ (Spits.)

Corona: abbreviation of the above which doesn’t refer to a brand of beer or the halo around the sun, and don’t we know it by now. Sometimes affectionately abbreviated to ‘Rona.’ (Seriously.)

Lockdown: form of head-and-arm lock popular in the new sport of Stockpiling (see below). Usually performed by one or more players on supermarket staff who try to stop them amassing more stock. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Latest, Putting The World To Rights, Social writing, Writing humour Tagged With: coronavirus, covid19, Humour, pandemic-jargon

Diary of a social distancer – what about my dog?

March 22, 2020 By Suzan St Maur Leave a Comment

As den mother to three canine Furballs (five if you include the cats) I have conducted an entirely unscientific survey to determine whether dogs can catch/transmit the novel corona virus. Rather like many other pieces of information about this, the results are as clear as mud. Enjoy.

Thanks to Cracked.com for the loan of this image. (My own Gordon Setter loves it – she’s exactly like the black & tan dog here.)

YES, ISH (American Kennel Club) Li Lanjuan, an epidemiologist and representative of China’s National Health Commission cautioned pet owners in China to be vigilant about their own health and the health of their pets: “If pets go out and have contact with an infected person, they have the chance to get infected. By then, pets need to be isolated. In addition to people, we should be careful with other mammals especially pets.” [Read more…]

Filed Under: Latest, Pets' Corner, Putting The World To Rights, Social writing, Writing humour Tagged With: cats, coronavirus, covid19, dogs, self-isolating, social-distancing

Diary of a social distancer – are you at the WTF stage?

March 20, 2020 By Suzan St Maur Leave a Comment

Does normality seem like it was 100 years ago?
Do you feel that the effing COVID bug has kicked your legs out from under you and taken the p*ss out of everything you previously thought was OK?

Are you at the WTF stage about Coronavirus?

OKies … let’s hear it.

**WHAT THE F*CK!!!**

(Apologies to non-swearers but hey – come on, this is not an ordinary occasion.)

Scary times.

Made even worse by the fact that we don’t really know what next to be scared of.

What next? Not humour, FFS?

Diary of a social distancer 2 – who would have a Cockapoo?

March 19, 2020 By Suzan St Maur Leave a Comment

Who would have a Cockapoo? Especially at Coronavirus time?

I wouldn’t have, except yet again I heard a long sob-story. That time it was about litter sisters aged nearly two who were to be split up and rehomed. Yes, I ended up with both of them.

The smaller of the two is the most loving, affectionate, welcoming, delightful, deceitful, scheming little killing machine you’ve ever seen on four curly, furry legs.

Mousey (back to camera) and sister Pippin having just had their hair done.

I renamed her ‘Mousey’ as I decided her original moniker of ‘Muffin’ was too gooey for her – that was after she had nipped out of the garden a few days after moving in, come back with an adult rabbit the size of a tomcat and killed it on the back doorstep. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Latest, Pets' Corner, Putting The World To Rights, Social writing, Writing humour Tagged With: cockapoos, cockerpoos, coronavirus, covid-19uk, covid19, social-distancing, social-isolation, working from home

Diary of a social distancer, 1

March 18, 2020 By Suzan St Maur Leave a Comment

“You’ll give me a WHAT?” shouted the man behind the till, making his next-door colleague jump.

Poor chap. An employee of a Sainsbury Local store crapping himself about the coronavirus refused to pack my groceries because someone may have handled the carrier bag previously and licked their fingers to unstick it.

Who wants a squirt?

His eyes bulged behind his spectacle lenses, darting from side to side, looking for The Dreaded Virus in case it was coming for him with a chain saw.

“Tell you what,” I had said, “I’ll do a deal with you. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Latest, Putting The World To Rights, Social writing, Writing humour Tagged With: coronavirus, covid-19uk, covid19, Humor, Humour, social-distancing, social-isolation

How to order a Google pizza (because we need a smile this week)

March 14, 2020 By Suzan St Maur Leave a Comment

Now that between them Google and Amazon are in total control of our lives (well, maybe not COVID-19 yet), I though you’d find it useful to read through this transcript of Google’s latest venture: dial-a-pizza. Bon appétit.

CALLER: Is this Giovanni’s Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it’s Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialled a wrong number. Sorry.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Giovanni’s Pizza last month.