Some snorty smiles for a stormy weekend (in the UK)

Most people even outside the UK and north-west Europe have heard that we are experiencing the second consecutive weekend’s worth of the most appalling storms with violent winds, and lashing rain flooding river banks, coasts and many other areas.

jokes about rain on how to write better dot net

What do you call a month’s worth of rain? England.

Given that most of us are shut indoors for the weekend I thought you might like to have a few little snickers with the following jokes and puns about foul weather…nearly SFW so you can share most of them with the kids. Enjoy.

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden? (one for us syntax/grammar nerds…) [Read more…]

A bumper fun post of Valentine’s poetry

Welcome to another romantic Valentine’s celebration! And here is a compendium of all my favourite Valentine’s poems (most of them written by moi) to give you a smile or six. Enjoy.

Take my heart its yours on a plate / Keep it till you learn how to punctuate.

Roses are red, violets are blue
Sorry I’m snotty, but I’ve got the flu. (NB: not coronavirus.)

Roses are red, violets are blue
Please put the seat down when you’ve used the loo. [Read more…]

New Year’s resolutions you must write for your pets

At New Year we get plenty of suggestions on what resolutions we humans should make, but there’s a strong need for us to write resolutions for our pets to follow if we are to lead a peaceful co-existence for the coming year.

Here are some suggestions for our cats, dogs and horses. Can you come up with more for, say, Parrots? Rabbits? Pigs? Goats? Donkeys? I’ll leave you to ruminate on that but for now, here are my three front runners…

Ziggy (my Canadian cousin, a Cornish Rex): you will not sit in the pasta pan just before your mom needs it to make tagliatelle alfredo.

New Year’s resolutions for cats

You will not swat your human’s head repeatedly when she’s on the family room floor trying to do yoga. [Read more…]

An, er, alternative Christmas quiz

Much as we all love to play games during the Holidays … I don’t know about you but I get heartily fed up with Monopoly, Christmas quizzes about the names of all Santa’s reindeer, and trying to laugh at the feeble jokes implanted into Christmas crackers.

Santa indicating the correct way to the North Pole after having been let down by his Sat Nav and found himself returned to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Here, then, is a short quiz you and your folks might like to play instead of the pedestrian old stuff. I have tried very hard to keep it Safe For Work but just in case, don’t print this out and show it to your five-year-old, OK? And the answers are not rigid: creativity and rudeness should probably score higher.

The HTWB Alternative Christmas Quiz: the questions

[Read more…]

Prickasso, Quackademic, Fartner, etc: new words to cheer up your writing

Further to the popularity of my first list of new words for you to use to enhance your writing, here are some more that will bring further sparkles to everything from your business emails to  your laundry lists. Enjoy.

Infernolising, n. Psychotherapists’ description of a patient who rages and vents in anger to the point of spitting fire.

Baby Bloomers, n, pl. Septuagenarians who have had more than three facelifts.

Behindfulness, n. Being aware that your butt lift makes you look like a Dromedary camel on its hind legs despite the surgery having cost you 150,000 BRL reais in a sweaty São Paulo clinic.

Bentagon, n. Crooked pentagon. [Read more…]

New words to be, er, adopted by the Oxford (& Webster) Dictionaries…

Here are some ideas for new words which I am hoping to submit for consideration to these august establishments. But first, please read them through and let me know what you think?

new words

Distemper, n. Personality disorder arising from losing your temper too often

A few of the new words we’re looking at here on HTWB…

AhI (Artificial hIntelligence), n. Human reality checks despised by AI developers

Amehzing, adj. Averagely amazing

Awescum, adj. Mediocre, dreary, flaky. Opposite of ‘awesome’ [Read more…]

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