14 really clever puns, thanks to Ellen

This week’s #SundaySmile is a small but perfectly formed collection of clever puns, (or we should say, quality puns) as shared by my good friend Ellen of the excellent All About Quality company in southern England…14 really clever puns, thanks to EllenPsssstt … don’t tell Ellen, but I have heard a couple of these before … however there are some here that are new to me and, IMHO, are hilarious. Enjoy.

Which pun is your favourite?

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

14 really clever puns, thanks to Ellen

Sir Cumference: ate too much pi ?

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. Would a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

14 really clever puns, thanks to Ellen

We’ll all go on ahead.

10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

13. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

14. Would a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray be a seasoned veteran.

How many of these puns have you heard before?

Please share, so I’ll know to knock them off any future lists!

Have a great week. Sz x

 

 

 

25 written tips for wannabee pony owners…

With the summer holidays looming in the northern hemisphere a number of children (mainly little girls) will be winding parents up to get them a pony. For the benefit of uninitiated parents, I wrote this advice to help you understand what you might be letting yourself in for.

written tips about owning a pony

It will not be a good guard animal – ponies are wimps.

Much as your child’s first pony might look like a fluffy German Shepherd Dog or a very large cat, be warned…

Before you buy or borrow a pony, read the following:

[Read more…]

20 punsational jokes for the UK long weekend

In celebration of the first warm and sunny long weekend Bank Holiday in the UK since the Dark Ages, here are some of my favourite puns to give you a smile while you sit around the barbecue with a long, cold drink…

20 punsational jokes for the UK long weekend

With many thanks to the original authors, if anyone can remember who they were.

Which of the following puns and jokes make you groan the most?

1.I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, but also it’s terrible.

2.What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

3.Two drums and a cymbal fall out of a tree. “Ba-dum-tsssss.”

4.I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Toronto Zoo.

5.And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.

6,What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”

7.The Buddhist pulls out a gun. “Whoa,” says the vendor, “I thought you folks were about inner peace.” The Buddhist replies, “this IS my inner piece.”

8.He told his girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

9.A termite walks into a bar and asks, “is the bar tender in here?”

10.What did they give to the guy who invented the doorknocker? A no-bell prize.

11.What did the pirate say when he turned 80? “Aye Matey. And it sucks.”

12.A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

13.What happened when the ship carrying blue paint and another ship carrying red paint both crashed into a deserted island? The sailors were marooned.

14.Did you hear the rumour about butter? Never mind. I shouldn’t spread it.

15.Do you know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

16.What kind of lingerie to clouds wear? Thunderpants.

17.Friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid, but says he can stop any time.

18.The email said my blood is Type A, but that was a Type O.

19.I couldn’t understand why the football was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

20.I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

Have you chosen your favourite groan yet?

Or failing that, please share another one of your favourites here…

Happy May Day Bank Holiday 2018!

 

 

We may as well laugh at English grammar…it’s THAT ridiculous!

Grammar in the English language is so ridiculous that we may as well laugh at it – it helps make up for the irritation of getting it wrong.

We may as well laugh at English grammar...it's THAT ridiculous!

True in my case. But it’s my job. Well, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it…


Here are a few more examples to give us all a smile and a chuckle … enjoy.

English grammar jokes – except they’re not jokes: they’re true

The past, the present and the future walked into a bar. It was tense. [Read more…]

Spam Writers Central – some of the funniest this month

You probably think I’m a pretty sad case for reading the written spam comments on my website. But if you like a good laugh, you should try it some time. Here’s my pick of recent pearls with, as usual my own reaction to them…enjoy. And choose your favourite in the comments below…

Spam Writers Central - some of the funniest this month

Which would be your favourite spam writer this month?

1. “I really liked reading this while eating a sandwich.”
Sweetheart, I can’t tell you how much pleasure this comment has given me. Hope that sandwich choked you or at least gave you the trots for 36 hours.

2. “No one saw the lost kitty?”
Ssshhh … don’t tell anyone, but the lost kitty had a smattering of good sense and ended up in my back yard after which she joined my furry family. I hope no one saw you losing the kitty because anyone who did will report you to your local animal protection people. Shame on you. [Read more…]

Silly puns and boom-boom jokes – groan

Who writes this stuff? No matter how awful I think they are I still can’t help laughing at them. Some Golden Oldies from my dear, pun-loving (and fun-loving) friend Laurence H from Los Angeles…enjoy.

Silly puns and boom-boom jokes - groan

Have to say, I’m glad I DIDN’T write these groaners…

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot. [Read more…]

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