Written instructions: how to, er, prepare for your first puppy dog

Thinking of getting a fluffy puppy dog to brighten your family’s life? Here’s all you need to know to get ready…LOL…

Written instructions: how to, er, prepare for your first puppy

Even the cutest of small puppies have teeth like needles. A more positive option is to use them to drill holes in leather goods that need lacing up.

Buy a pair of really expensive shoes (Gucci or Jimmy Choo are ideal). Bring them home, remove from box and place on chopping board.  Beat several times with meat tenderising hammer, then clip around edges with pinking shears. Laugh and throw them away.

Take your best white shirt or blouse from the wardrobe. Put it on, go out into garden on a rainy evening and splash liberally with mud. Observe the “dry clean only” label and smile. [Read more…]

What writing help would be the most useful for you?

We all have to write whether we like it or not. I happen to love it to bits, but I know many of you don’t so need some help. Many of you do, but need some help to get it rolling.

What writing help would be the most useful for you?

How can we help you with your writing? Just say!

So, I want to start a monthly newsletter to make you folks more comfortable with whatever you want or need to write. No bullsh*t, nice and concise.

It will share tips from my vast range of utterly hysterical experience in writing everything from books to funny jokes on toilet rolls (seriously), plus that of many other writing experts from all over the world.

Now, never mind what I think we should share. What do YOU want some help with? For example:

[Read more…]

How to, er, stay sane – by a life coach

by a Life Coach

Our intensely busy lives threaten to overwhelm us with illogical stuff that undermines our sanity.

How to stay sane by a life coach

Here are a few hints that could, er, help you deal more comfortably with everyday stuff, so reducing the load on our insanity levels and helping us to reconnect with reality.

Well, just a bit, anyway.

Life coaching hints in writing: hope they help you

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone. [Read more…]

Do these words ever make you, er, wonder…

A lovely contribution to our humour spot from the intrepid Malc Harding, Super Hero and member of my Facebook funnies group “The Joke Street Journal.

Do you these words ever make you, er, wonder...

Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?

If you’re on Facebook and enjoy some good laughs, click on the link and come on over. It’s naughty rather than nasty adult humour, with a bit of smut but no porn, racism, homophobia, sexism, jokes about disabilities or excessive vulgarity/scatology.

Also, I tell new members to remember it’s an open group, so don’t publish anything you wouldn’t want your kids to read if they’re on Facebook too…and when someone applies to join and they’re obviously under 18, I turn them away.

So, with thanks to Malc, have you ever wondered…

[Read more…]

Alternative medical terms for patients with a sense of humour

Many thanks to my Canadian cousin Mike for sharing these hilarious medical terms. I hasten to say that he is not a doctor and it’s just as well, given the terrifying thought that someone might take these seriously.

Alternative medical terms for patients with a sense of humour
I have added some thoughts to expand and enhance the originals a little. Enjoy.

A glossary of medical terms we hope you will never hear

Artery: the appreciation and study of sculpture, paintings, objets d’art, etc

Aspirate: a recent Americanism meaning to aspire, but adding a syllable to make it seem more important (e.g. “converse” versus “conversate”)

Bacteria: back entrance to the cafeteria [Read more…]

DEAR PARENT – politically correct letters to parents from desperate teachers…

A hilarious selection of letters written and sent home to the parents of recalcitrant brats … as sent to me by my good friend and mentor Dhananjay (Jay) Parkhe from Bangalore, India.

Politically correct letters to parents from desperate teachers...Share these letters to inspire your favourite, long-suffering teacher friends

Dear Parent,
We are delighted to inform you that your child displays remarkable initiative. Not for him the simple-minded obedience to teachers. We refer to his admirable refusal to do homework. We have, however, humbly requested him to stoop to our level and condescend to do his homework. [Read more…]