New Year’s resolutions you must write for your pets

At New Year we get plenty of suggestions on what resolutions we humans should make, but there’s a strong need for us to write resolutions for our pets to follow if we are to lead a peaceful co-existence for the coming year.

Here are some suggestions for our cats, dogs and horses. Can you come up with more for, say, Parrots? Rabbits? Pigs? Goats? Donkeys? I’ll leave you to ruminate on that but for now, here are my three front runners…

Ziggy (my Canadian cousin, a Cornish Rex): you will not sit in the pasta pan just before your mom needs it to make tagliatelle alfredo.

New Year’s resolutions for cats

You will not swat your human’s head repeatedly when she’s on the family room floor trying to do yoga. [Read more…]

An, er, alternative Christmas quiz

Much as we all love to play games during the Holidays … I don’t know about you but I get heartily fed up with Monopoly, Christmas quizzes about the names of all Santa’s reindeer, and trying to laugh at the feeble jokes implanted into Christmas crackers.

Santa indicating the correct way to the North Pole after having been let down by his Sat Nav and found himself returned to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Here, then, is a short quiz you and your folks might like to play instead of the pedestrian old stuff. I have tried very hard to keep it Safe For Work but just in case, don’t print this out and show it to your five-year-old, OK? And the answers are not rigid: creativity and rudeness should probably score higher.

The HTWB Alternative Christmas Quiz: the questions

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Prickasso, Quackademic, Fartner, etc: new words to cheer up your writing

Further to the popularity of my first list of new words for you to use to enhance your writing, here are some more that will bring further sparkles to everything from your business emails to  your laundry lists. Enjoy.

Infernolising, n. Psychotherapists’ description of a patient who rages and vents in anger to the point of spitting fire.

Baby Bloomers, n, pl. Septuagenarians who have had more than three facelifts.

Behindfulness, n. Being aware that your butt lift makes you look like a Dromedary camel on its hind legs despite the surgery having cost you 150,000 BRL reais in a sweaty São Paulo clinic.

Bentagon, n. Crooked pentagon. [Read more…]

New words to be, er, adopted by the Oxford (& Webster) Dictionaries…

Here are some ideas for new words which I am hoping to submit for consideration to these august establishments. But first, please read them through and let me know what you think?

new words

Distemper, n. Personality disorder arising from losing your temper too often

A few of the new words we’re looking at here on HTWB…

AhI (Artificial hIntelligence), n. Human reality checks despised by AI developers

Amehzing, adj. Averagely amazing

Awescum, adj. Mediocre, dreary, flaky. Opposite of ‘awesome’ [Read more…]

Canadiana in writing: a few fun facts about our Thanksgiving

At this time of year we Canucks celebrate a successful harvest and show our gratitude by gorging ourselves on a significant proportion of the produce we slaved all year to grow and store.

Our tasty pumpkin pie, complete with maple leaf decorations to establish its Canadian-ness. Those cranberries are a good idea, too. Yum.

Unlike the Americans we don’t wait until ten minutes before Christmas / Hanukkah / other winter celebrations to get this done when anywhere North American folks other than in southern states are beginning to need to put on their woolly knickers and cosy pyjamas (a.k.a. ‘pajamas‘ in North America).

We snotty Canucks prefer to do it at a time when the seasons are changing inspiringly, leaves on our trees are turning vivid gold, orange, bronze and other flaming colours, and the air has changed from the sultry, humid warmth of summer to the crisp invigoration of ‘the fall’ before it starts to freeze our private parts and make us scrape snow and ice off our cars in the mornings, as shown below. [Read more…]

A nasty little writing quiz about apostrophes

By popular demand, another sneaky, nasty grammar quiz. The last one got hundreds of comments and likes and I’m told customers and staff in a certain UK fashion house nearly came to blows arguing over it.apostrophe quizThis time we’re looking for apostrophes … nasty little b*ggers they are, too…

In which of following sentences is there one or more (or no) apostrophe used wrongly?

No cheating now! Answers are below… [Read more…]

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