How to write better letters to Santa…

I didn’t write these jokes but I wish I had. They have been around for many years and still make me howl with laughter. They are not really Politically Correct so please don’t read any further if you are particularly sensitive to such things; instead you may prefer these Christmas cracker jokes***.

I apologise to Google for publishing these again but they really are too funny to forget…enjoy.

Funny jokes about letters to Santa and his hilarious replies

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend,
WiLLy
Dear Willy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in road sweeping.
How about I get you a ****ing book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa [Read more…]

Want a naughty gift at the last minute? Read this review

In case you’ve still got a couple of gifts to get for the Big Day next week, you might like to read this review of my dearly beloved book, Mischieverse … adult poems about many of the little things that p*ss us off from day to day.

The review is from Muddy Stillettos, a lively online women’s magazine in the UK. 

Why Mischieverse makes a very good adult Christmas gift

The perfect book for the downstairs toilet…

The perfect stocking filler for the intelligent female in your life…

and we’re sure the blokes will like it too!

Let me start by saying I loved this book of poetry and I think your mums, daughters, sisters and friends will too. Mischieverse is proper rude humour that laughs at life’s every day irritations that you’ll all recognise. It’s social commentary at its wittiest best and perfect for the intelligent people in your life (especially those who don’t take themselves too seriously).

[Read more…]

More English language lunacy: pronunciation poem from 1922

Many thanks to my son Tom who found yet another incredible testament to the sheer lunacy of the English language, in a poem written back in 1922 by Gerard Nolst Trenité (1870-1946), a Dutch observer of English.

Poem about English language

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle, make the latter rhyme with eagle.

Trust a sensible, no-nonsense Dutchman to show us how ridiculous English can be…and I’m so glad to realise that it isn’t just me, but several other writers over the years, who have felt the same way.

Let me start the ball rolling here in 2018, with three areas of my home city, Milton Keynes, England:

Broughton (pronounced Brawton)
Woughton (pronounced Woofton)
Loughton (pronounced La-owton)

Enjoy…

Gerard Nolst Trenité – The Chaos (1922)

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
   I will teach you in my verse
   Sounds like corpsecorpshorse and worse. [Read more…]

How to write political spin

You really can’t fail to admire the ways in which political journalists and politicians manage to write accounts of events and issues which, though vaguely accurate if you stretch your imagination, vary hysterically and often hilariously in how the subjects are portrayed.

political spin

Spin description of a prison sentence: a “holiday paid for by Her Majesty.”

What exactly do we mean by “political spin?”

According to our beloved Wikipedia

“In public relations and politicsspin is a form of propaganda, achieved through providing a biased interpretation of an event or campaigning to persuade public opinion in favor or against some organization or public figure. While traditional public relations and advertising may also rely on altering the presentation of the facts, “spin” often implies the use of disingenuousdeceptive, and highly manipulative tactics.[1]”

[Read more…]

What to write to overseas friends about Brexit…LOL

As we’re all wondering just what the hell will happen about Brexit to those of us who live in the UK, it can hardly be surprising that people living outside of the UK are utterly bewildered and wondering what even more about what will happen next.

I thought, therefore, that I would jot down a short, jocular poem (which you can sing to a favourite country music track, if you prefer) about Brexit to share when you’re emailing or texting your friends overseas. This poem will explain to them about as much as any of us here in the UK know.

Humorous poem about Brexit
THE BREXIT BLUES

(with apologies for a few expletives, but I have asterisked them.)

I got the Brexit blues, it’s giving me pain, danged Brexit
That Theresa May’s a star but she ain’t goin’ very far
‘Cos those good old boys called “Bruxellaires***
Got her right by her short hairs
And there ain’t nobody figures how she hacks it. [Read more…]

Why English is a lunatic language – listen, learn and laugh

Have you ever tried to explain to a non-native English speaker how pronunciations in English are, er, a little difficult to understand?

English language humour

I’m just going to stop here and let you laugh as hard as I did when I first listened to this…

Here follows the most delightful and funny exposé of English language lunacy that I’ve heard in a long time.

English language lunacy only needs a short introduction

[Read more…]

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