Diary of a self-isolator: so thanks for April Fool, coronamonster

You notice I have upgraded myself from lowly social distancer to the rank of fully fledged self-isolator? Being the wrong side of 60 with the medical history of a three-legged baboon, plus my son snapping at my heels to make me stay indoors, I’m in.

One little germ and its trillions of friends, naked to the human eye, have managed to achieve what the world’s superpowers and despots would love to have done many times over. WTF.

Voluntarily though: no letter or text from the NHS sentencing me to 12 weeks’ incarceration. It’s nice to know at least they think I’m healthy.

Had it not been for the internet and social media I would be chewing the wallpaper by now but what with Facetime, Zoom, Skype, WhatsApp, Messenger, LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter etc. I have a larger choice of socialising venues than there are (or were) in London’s West End.

Anyway that’s not the April Fool: this is: [Read more…]

Diary of a social distancer – handwashing rant Part One

“Ooooh, sh*t: my hands are SO sore from all this handwashing!” In my social distancing from this coronavirus / Covid19 tragedy I keep reading people’s posts, bleating about how sore their hands are.

Yet “your grandmother’s bar of soap kills the virus.”

Hello? Yes, it does, and not for an obvious reason

Your grandmother’s bar of soap kills the coronavirus. So do you still want to bitch about how sore your hands might be?

Haven’t you ever heard of Vaseline? Or vegetable oil? Or any other of hundreds of emollient products you can still buy for small sums so you can stop whining about your scratchy hands and instead help slow down this evil pandemic?

Let’s get a grip on this issue

[Read more…]

Diary of a social distancer: a bitchy email answer that felt GOOD

You know how much I loathe these shysters who write essays for students to cheat with? Here’s an approach I got today (yesterday by the time you see it!), along with the reply I sent.

From: Erin Milligan <erin.millligan@gmail.com>
Sent: 25 March 2020 16:55
To: Suze <suze@suzanstmaur.com>
Subject: Resource Update For Your Website

Hello,
My name is Erin Milligan and I just came across your website and noticed that my service can be useful for your audience.

You know how much I ‘love’ these sleaze-bag companies that help students cheat…

I work with EssayOnTime Company… [Read more…]

Diary of a social distancer – coronavirus jargon buster (sort of)

Thought you might like to share my own definititions to help us find a little bit of humour in the demon bug. Here goes:

Lockdown: move performed during the sport of Stockpiling.

Coronavirus: deadly bug related to some simple cold viruses but makes them look like pimples on an elephant’s butt by comparison. Also a combination of two words into one, which I hate. Like ‘anymore’ instead of  ‘any more.’ (Spits.)

Corona: abbreviation of the above which doesn’t refer to a brand of beer or the halo around the sun, and don’t we know it by now. Sometimes affectionately abbreviated to ‘Rona.’ (Seriously.)

Lockdown: form of head-and-arm lock popular in the new sport of Stockpiling (see below). Usually performed by one or more players on supermarket staff who try to stop them amassing more stock. [Read more…]

Diary of a social distancer – what about my dog?

As den mother to three canine Furballs (five if you include the cats) I have conducted an entirely unscientific survey to determine whether dogs can catch/transmit the novel corona virus. Rather like many other pieces of information about this, the results are as clear as mud. Enjoy.

Thanks to Cracked.com for the loan of this image. (My own Gordon Setter loves it – she’s exactly like the black & tan dog here.)

YES, ISH    (American Kennel Club) Li Lanjuan, an epidemiologist and representative of China’s National Health Commission cautioned pet owners in China to be vigilant about their own health and the health of their pets: “If pets go out and have contact with an infected person, they have the chance to get infected. By then, pets need to be isolated. In addition to people, we should be careful with other mammals especially pets.” [Read more…]

Diary of a social distancer – are you at the WTF stage?

Does normality seem like it was 100 years ago?
Do you feel that the effing COVID bug has kicked your legs out from under you and taken the p*ss out of everything you previously thought was OK?

Are you at the WTF stage about Coronavirus?

OKies … let’s hear it.

WHAT THE F*CK!!!

(Apologies to non-swearers but hey – come on, this is not an ordinary occasion.)

Scary times.

Made even worse by the fact that we don’t really know what next to be scared of.

What next? Not humour, FFS? 

[Read more…]

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