Countryside crackers…rustic humor from the sticks

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What’s known as “a lot of bull.”

If you love being in or visiting the countryside, you’ll enjoy these jokes that share the funny side of all that’s rustic, green and leafy. Enjoy!

Many years ago an English farmer asked his young son to take their cow over to the bull at the farm on the other side of the village. As the little lad was leading the cow along, they met the Vicar (minister).
“Where are you going?” asked the Vicar, concerned that a small boy was in charge of such a large animal.
“I’m taking the cow to the bull, Vicar,” said the boy.
“Couldn’t your father help? Or can I do it?”
“No, sorry, Vicar. It has to be the bull.”

Old goat
The young couple invited their elderly minister for Sunday dinner.
While the parents were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having to eat.
“Goat,” the little boy said.
“Goat?” replied the startled parson, “are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the boy. “I heard Pop say to Mama, ‘might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'”

Rural landing
A man was inspecting communications facilities in northern Alberta. Since he had little experience in flying in small planes, he was nervous when they approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While the nervous man’s heart pounded, the passenger beside him seemed calm. “I wonder why he didn’t land,” the nervous man said.
“He was checking to see if the landing strip was ploughed,” the other passenger said.
As they made a second approach, the nervous man glanced out the window. “It looks ploughed to me,” he commented.
“No,” his seatmate said. “It hasn’t been cleared for some time.”
“How can you tell?”
“Because,” the man informed him, “I’m the guy who drives the snow plough.”

Gossips anonymous
Mabel was the typical English village gossip and self-appointed guardian of the village’s morals. Not surprisingly, she kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.
Most local folk thought she was an interfering nuisance, but feared her that much that they were careful of how they treated her. However, Brian – a strong-minded local farmer – wasn’t having any of Mabel’s nonsense.
After having observed Brian’s tractor stopped outside the village pub all one afternoon, Mabel loudly proclaimed Brian to be an alcoholic.
On hearing this, Brian waited until dark, then parked his tractor outside Mabel’s house – and left it there all night.

Bull market
A man took his wife to a county show in northern England, and they wandered down through the pens that housed the prize bulls. The sign on the first bull’s pen stated “This bull mated 50 times last year.”
The wife turned to her husband and said, “he mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!.”
They proceeded to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.” The wife turned to her husband again and said, “this one mated 65 times last year. That’s over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!”
They carried on until they reached the last bull, and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.” The wife’s mouth dropped open and she said, “Goodness me! He mated 365 times last year. That’s ONCE A DAY!! You could really learn from this one.”
The man, rather fed up, turned to his wife and said, “I say, my love, why don’t you go to the show secretary’s tent and enquire if that was 365 times with the same cow.”

Age before beauty
An old bull and a young bull were grazing quietly at the top of a hill overlooking a herd of heifers. Suddenly the young bull turned to the old one and said, “hey, why don’t we run down and have us a couple of those heifers?”
The old bull gazed over at him and replied, “nah, let’s walk down and have ’em all.”

Not a bitter pill
A couple of farmers were discussing their livestock. One said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with my bull but he just hasn’t been able to manage it for nearly a month now.”
“Ah, not to worry,” said the other farmer, “that new vet in Abbots Bradwell gave us some amazing pills for just that problem. I only had to give my old fellow one pill and he was back to his old self again. Serviced all the cows and even had plenty to spare for artificial insemination.”
“Great,” said the first farmer. “What are those pills called? I must get some for my bull.”
“Can’t remember the name offhand,” replied the second farmer, “but they’re round, about the size of coat button, pale blue in colour and they taste of vanilla.”

More powerful pills
Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help. The doctor gave him a small container of pills and told him to take no more than one a day.
Back home, the farmer thought he’d try the medication on his prize bull first. The bull swallowed the pill, jumped out of his paddock, rammed an entire side wall of the barn until it was no more than kindling wood and ran off down the road, snorting wildly. “Those pills are too strong for me,” the farmer thought, and poured the rest into his well.
Later, when the farmer visited the doctor for a check-up, the farmer told how he had disposed of the medication.
“Good Lord!” exclaimed the doctor. “You haven’t drunk any of the well water, have you?”
No,” said the farmer. “We can’t get the pump handle down.”

photo credit: Robert Scarth via photopin cc