Diary of a self-isolator: Lockdowners’ Laughs … Easter & Passover jokes

Updated April 2020. When this period of Easter, Passover and other religious events should be observed within gatherings of family and friends – not on lockdown standing at least two metres away from the family you live with and not being allowed to see our folks who live elsewhere other than through the cold, squinty eye of a digital camera – we can at least have a few laughs to help us through it.

Here are some jokes about Easter, and further down about Passover (Pesach) for you to share with your folks and give you all a smile.

Humorous Easter Eggs on How To Write Better

Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke? It might crack up.

Jokes about Easter: enjoy…

A white rooster was strutting around the henhouse on Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every colour of the rainbow. He took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the living daylights out of the resident peacock.

What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with an over-stressed person?
An Easter basket case!

How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
EGG-xercise and HARE-robics!

Easter,Easter bunny,Easter eggs,jokes,funny jokes,humor,hilarious

It’s been nice gnawing you.

What is the Easter Bunny’s favorite capital city?
Albunny, New York State!

(And for a few more?)
Lisbunny, Portugal
Bunnyos Aires, Argentina
Rabunnyat, Morocco
Bunnygui, Central African Republic
Malabunny, Equatorial Guinea
Bunnygota, Colombia
Gabunnyorone, Botswana
Bunnyerlin, Germany
Djibunnyouti, Djibouti
Bunnykok, Thailand
Canbunnyerra, Australia
(And if you really want to wear a hare shirt… (apologies: that really is awful)
Haresinki, Finland
Harevana, Cuba
Harenoi, Vietnam

What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and a crazy Easter rabbit?
One is bad money, the other is a mad bunny.

How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?
Only one – after that it’s not empty any more.

What’s long and stylish and full of cats?
The Easter Purrade.

Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?
It might crack up. (Or poach the joke.)

How does Easter end?
With the letter R.

What’s pink, has five toes, and is carried by the Easter Bunny?
His lucky people’s foot.

What’s yellow, has long ears, and grows on trees?
The Easter Bunana.

How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been?
Eggs (X) marks the spot.

How did the Easter Bunny rate the Easter parade?
He said it was eggs-cellent.

How does the Easter Bunny travel?
By hare plane.

Jokes about Easter on HTWB

This is a hare. Be honest: have you ever seen such long ears on a rabbit? That’s one of the reasons why they’re different species.

How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur neat?
With a hare brush.

What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing you.

How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

How do soggy Easter Bunnies dry themselves?
With a hare-dryer.

How do rabbits keep their fur looking good?
With hare conditioner.

Why did the bunny go to the dance?
To do the bunny hop.

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
Because it has four rabbit’s feet.

What did the rabbits do after their wedding?
Went on their bunnymoon.

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road (1)?
Because the chicken had his Easter eggs.

Easter humour - Hette the hen

At my friend Sue’s house, Hette the hen is The Boss. Easter bunnies had better watch their step.

Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road (2)?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!

Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!

Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor?
Rabbit De Niro!

Boy 1: “How did you get that bruise on your arm?”
Boy 2: “I ate some Easter candy.”
Boy 1: “Eating Easter candy won’t give you a bruise.”
Boy 2: “It will if it’s your big brother’s candy!”

Why does Peter Cottontail hop down the bunny trail?
Because his parents wouldn’t let him borrow the car!

What do you call a dumb bunny?
A hare brain!

What do you call a rabbit that tells good jokes?
A funny bunny!

Jokes about Passover: enjoy…

It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

chag Pesach samech!

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoth, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is “Let My People Go”.

Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A: Filet minyan

Q: If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
A: A Bris-kit!

“The Top 10 Rejected Flavoured Matzos”

  1. Spearmint Matzoh
  2. Marshmallow Matzoh
  3. Licorice Matzoh
  4. Root Beer Matzoh
  5. Liver Matzoh
  6. Anchovy Matzoh
  7. Bubble-Gum Matzoh
  8. Chorizo Matzoh
  9. Menudo Matzoh

…..and the number one top rejected Matzoh flavor:

  1. Bacon Matzoh
    (Next year the rumor is that “Chumetz” flavor matzos will take over the market. And with a very good hechsher it will make a mint!).

Passover Prize
Wouldn’t you think that the person who plans,
The person who changes the pots and pans.
The person who suffers the elbowing crowd,
And brings home the matzo meal, bloody and bowed,
Who battles the butcher, accumulates plates,
And races the clock to those Passover dates.
Who polishes silverware, commandeers chairs,
And goes around muttering “nobody cares”.
Who fixes charoset and karpas and eggs,
And winds up with headaches and cramps in her legs.
Wouldn’t you think when the matzo is hid,
SHE merits the prize, not some smart-aleck kid?

Moses’s Gift to the Auto Industry
My five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother: “Guess what we made in Jewish school today, Mommy. We made unleaded bread!”

Another Matzah Joke
A Jew took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Shortly thereafter a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, the Jew offered a sheet of matzoh to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzoh for a minute, and exclaimed, “Who writes this crap?”

Happy Passover!

Hold on Herb!
A long time ago when America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train from the east coast. The wagon train leader was very inexperienced and soon the people realized they were hopelessly lost. After wandering for weeks and weeks, their food supplies were gone and winter was fast approaching.
As the group came over a hill they saw the first person they had seen for days; an old Jewish man, a Litvak yet, sitting beneath a tree. The leader of the wagon train approached the man.
“Can you help us? We’re heading west but we’re lost and all our food is gone. We’re starving.”
The old man replied, “Vell you know, I can see the future…Vait.. I’m getting a vision now.” He held one hand to his brow and closed his eyes in concentration. “It’s coming. Oh yah, I see, I see.” “I know vut you gotado. Go up dis here hill und down other side. Go through forest und across the stream. Den go up next hill und down to dat valley below. There you vill find ah bacon tree.”
“A bacon tree?” asked the wagon tree leader.
“YA, ah bacon tree. Trust me.. for nuttin vud I lie. I can see the future.”
The wagon train leader shrugged and headed off. The group followed the strange old man’s directions exactly. They went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down to the valley below.
Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Not a damned thing and especially not a bacon tree.
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, came Indians from all sides. It was a massacre. All but one man was killed, even he was seriously wounded. He crawled up the hill, crawled across the stream, crawled through the forest, crawled up the hill and crawled down into the valley. There, under the tree was that same old Jewish man, having a glass of tea, right where they had left him.
The injured man crawled up to him and started shouting…… “What were you thinking? You sent us all to our deaths! We followed your instructions to the letter! We went up the hill, down the other side, through the forest, across the stream, up the next hill and down the valley below. NO BACON TREE! Just Indians, thousands of Indians! And the rest of my group? THEY’RE ALL DEAD! ”
The man held up his hand and said “Oye, vait A minute, vait A minute… I’m getting anudder vision…. Oyeeee. Ooooh. NOW I get it….G’VALT, I make ah big mistake… It vuz not a bacon tree… It vuz a ham bush!”

Why is this Night Different?

During one of my many trips to London, I became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.
On one visit, Hy told me that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the Queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.
“That’s a great honor,” I said. “Why would you turn it down?”
“Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin,” he said. “And I don’t wish to bother studying Latin just for that.”
“So say something in Hebrew. The Queen wouldn’t know the difference.”
“Brilliant,” Hy complimented me, “but what should I say?”
“Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? … Can you say that in Hebrew?”
“Of course,” he said. “Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh.
“Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight.”
At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the Queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak. Out came “Ma nishtana ha laila hazeh.”
The Queen turned to her husband and said, “Why is this knight different from all the other knights?”

K’vetch, we need you!
Picture a nerdy looking man named Herbert sitting at the Passover seder table.
He speaks: “Why do I hafta sit at the kids’ table This stinks!! This really stinks!!
Moral: . . . No seder would be complete without the bitter Herb.

Pass Over dis Quiz
Q: Why do we have a Haggadah at Passover?
A: So we can Seder right words.
Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?
A: A matzochist.

Passover Haiku:
On Passover we
Opened the door for Elijah
Now our cat is gone..Passover Song:
Don’t sit on the Afikomen (To the tune of “Glory, Glory, Halleluyah”)

My Dad at every Seder breaks a Matza piece in two
And hides the Afikomen half-A game for me and you
Find it, hold it ransom for the Seder isn’t through
’till the Afikomen’s gone.

Chorus:
Don’t sit on the Afikomen.
Don’t sit on the Afikomen.
Don’t sit on the Afikomen.
Or the Meal will last all night

One year Daddy hid it ‘neath a pillow on a chair
But just as I raced over, my Aunt Sophie sat down there
She threw herself upon it
Awful crunching filled the air
And the crumbs flew all around

Chorus

There were matza crumbs all over
Oh, it was a messy sight
We swept up all the pieces though it took us half the night
So, if you want your Seder ending sooner than dawn’s light,
Don’t sit on the Afiko-o-men

Chorus

Have a very Happy Easter / chag Pesach samech !

Stay safe, wash your hands, and laugh a little every day.

Sz xx
Humour helps heal

 

Content credit: for the loan of the Passover jokes to The Jewish Magazine. With many thanks and all good wishes.
photo credit: Robobobobo via photopin
photo credit: Dornenwolf via photopin cc 

 

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