Diary of a social distancer – coronavirus jargon buster (sort of)

Thought you might like to share my own definititions to help us find a little bit of humour in the demon bug. Here goes:

Lockdown: move performed during the sport of Stockpiling.

Coronavirus: deadly bug related to some simple cold viruses but makes them look like pimples on an elephant’s butt by comparison. Also a combination of two words into one, which I hate. Like ‘anymore’ instead of  ‘any more.’ (Spits.)

Corona: abbreviation of the above which doesn’t refer to a brand of beer or the halo around the sun, and don’t we know it by now. Sometimes affectionately abbreviated to ‘Rona.’ (Seriously.)

Lockdown: form of head-and-arm lock popular in the new sport of Stockpiling (see below). Usually performed by one or more players on supermarket staff who try to stop them amassing more stock.

Virus, the: in theory could be any of thousands of diseases but no-one’s in any doubt to which one this iteration refers.

COVID19: (and other other similar terms) sexier names for the disease, created by Hollywood lawyers ready to launch the first block-buster movies about the pandemic. Sealed bids for the best ones are being accepted now.

Fish: a very rare and previously thought extinct aquatic creature, seen for the first time in many decades in the canals of Venice now that the tourist gondolas finally have stopped stirring up all the sh*t in the water.

Social Distancing: what many of us have been trying to do for years but now actually are being congratulated for it, rather than being called grumpy, unsociable old gits.

Self-Isolation: a stronger version of social distancing, whereby grumpy, unsociable old gits are being congratulated even for slamming doors in visitors’ faces and shouting at them to f*** off.

Stockpiling: a new sport involving a blend of freestyle wrestling and boxing techniques. Players grab and carry as much supermarket stock as possible, most of which will gather dust on their shelves long after the bug has disappeared. Winner is player who manages to get at least one roll of Toilet Paper (see below.)

Toilet Paper: a rare commodity which now outvalues oil, gold, precious gemstones and most of the world’s stock markets.

Older People (AKA ‘the Elderly’): sub-species of the human race often patronised and head-patted by Real People (under 50s), even though many of the former are fitter and healthier than 30 year-olds and can make the average fitness fanatic look like floppy blancmange.

Stay safe, stay home, wash your hands and try to keeping laughing. Humour heals.


Sz xx





  1. Trudy Van Buskirk says