Drive you to distraction? My favorite car jokes

Drive you to distraction? My favorite car jokesYour Sunday smile this week focuses on cars and the funny jokes they can lead to. Enjoy.

Ticket to ride
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the policeman said.
The lad replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

Honor amongst thieves
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk. He runs around and yells, “Hey, bud, this is my car!”
“Okay,” the man says, “You take the front and I’ll take the back.”

Chance meeting
Over dinner, my wife said to me, “I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!”
“How did you meet this fellow?” I asked, very concerned.
She said, “Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car.”

Marque my words
A young yob was hard up for money and decided not to go shop lifting for a change, so he walked around his neighborhood, trying to find a job. He met a nice man who said he would give him work. All he had to do was paint his porch white. He gave him a bucket of paint and left.
The man walked into his house, laughing. He told his wife what he had done. “Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied. Three hours later, the young yob went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man. The astonished man handed him a £50 note, and asked how he finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was his reply. “Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”

More haste, less speed
One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thought to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over.
Approaching the car, he noticed that there were five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!  I always go exactly the speed limit.  What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replied, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
Drive you to distraction? My favorite car jokes“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly!  Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman said a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . .  Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asked with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 129.”

Karma cop
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damned motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on pal, how about giving a guy a break?’
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked n*zi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a pile of horse sh*t.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn’t give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner.
This one belonged to the neighbor who lets his dog cr*p on my front lawn every day.

Barking mad
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. “I don’t know about you, lady,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put the parking brake on.”

What are your favorite car jokes? Please share!