Favourite Brexit and Trump jokes written for the long weekend

Amazingly today is yet another public holiday (May 27th 2019) amounting to at least three in the countries that I know of. ( UK: Easter, May Day and this one, plus a few as shown below. All within a few weeks of each other.)

In the UK it’s the “Spring Bank Holiday

This sort-of combines with the Christian event of Whitsun and also heralds the beginning of England’s school “half-term” holiday that includes yet another statutory Monday off, which is why schools use it in order to accept children missing four days of school when it might have been five…shame, kids. (This p*sses teachers off, too.) The actual date of the religious event of Whitsun / Pentecost is on June 9th this year but hey, never mind.

Image of Theresa May

“Brexit is (like) having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.” – Matt Abbott

“Memorial Day” in the USA This is a federal holiday in the United States for remembering and honoring people who have died while serving in the United States Armed Forces. Hats off to all you guys and gals but I’m not sure I’d want to remember your ultimate sacrifice with a BBQ. Whatever.

“Victoria Day” in Canada
We Canadians are probably the last of the British Commonwealth “Mohicans” to celebrate the birth of Britain’s Queen Victoria. Yes, we are a little slow in updating ourselves but we are working on it. Happy birthday, our Vic.

Never mind: let’s have a few laughs…Brexit first:

What do you call a restaurant that only serves pancakes? All Day Brexit.

What did David Cameron sing on his last day as Prime Minister? “I can’t live, if living is without EU.” “Never gonna give EU up.” “Don’t Go Brexit my heart.” “Want EU Back for Good”.

Why do the English drink so much tea? Because tea leaves.

What did Great Britain tell Europe? Did you see the Romantic comedy with Teresa May, Boris Johnson, and David Cameron? It’s called “Leave Actually”.

I heard Europe is starting to look sexy now that it has lost a few pounds.

If at first you don’t secede, try try again.

“I voted Remain, not just for political reasons but because my mum’s moved to Spain and I want her to stay there.” – Leo Kearse

“How about that Brexit, huh? I’ve haven’t seen so many Brits pull out since Madonna was dating.” – Conan O’Brien’s ‘Brexitbot’

Q: With Britain leaving the EU how much space was created?
A: Exactly 1GB

“Brexit is (like) having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.” – Matt Abbott

“Brexit will make prices go up in Britain, so it will cost them twice as much to not go to the dentist.” – Conan O’Brien’s ‘Brexitbot’

Bond films to last 30% longer with scenes of his passport being more heavily scrutinised between exotic European locales.

“I don’t think we should have voted. I can barely rate a film on Netflix, don’t leave big decisions in my hands. Brexit is a terrible name for it, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.” – Tiff Stevenson

“Check out the guy who wanted Brexit [Boris Johnson]. What a tall drink of gravy, more like ‘Game of Scones’! He looks like Donald Trump if he drowned.” – Conan O’Brien’s ‘Brexitbot’

“Brexit was like the UK got drunk and accidentally unfriended Europe on Facebook.” – Leo Kearse

“David Cameron announced he is stepping down in the wake of a vote, which should make me happy, but it doesn’t. It’s like catching an ice cream cone out of the air, because a child has been hit by a car. I’ll eat it! But it’s tainted somehow.” – John Oliver

“What’s the best way of uniting Britain following Brexit? The unexpected death of an attractive Royal!” – The Man’s Daddy

“The whole thing is a f***-up, from start to f***. We have no negotiating position. The EU has a negotiating position, it’s this: “Well, f*** off then!” – Jonathan Pie

“[On the upcoming referendum] Nobody knows which way it’s going to go, and nobody knows which way it will go. All we know is that whichever way it goes, it will mean THE END OF THE WORLD! Already, Barbara Windsor has committed suicide on EastEnders in anticipation of Brexit.” – Giles Brandreth

“How many Brexiters does it take to change a lightbulb? Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn’t say there was a lightbulb.” – Anon

Martin Clunes: “Pollsters have detected the nation’s almost catatonic with boredom, so they’ve been trying to liven things up, anyone know how they’ve been doing that?”

Ian Hislop: “Well, they’ve been trying to get younger people in by calling the referendum ‘Votey McVoteface’.”

“A Brexit deal could take ten years. That’s not fair. Most of the people who voted for it could be dead by then.” – Gary Lineker

Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting

James Hell Brooks (@BobbyBigWheel) June 23, 2016
“The young people are surprised that the older people have done them over. All those year’s they spent hanging outside Tesco Metro, drinking, smoking, intimating them… these old people have just been waiting for their chance. And yesterday they thought ‘let’s see how you like listening to your drum ‘n’ bass on your phone when we’re out of the EU, you p****!” – Alex Brooker

“[On Brexit negotiations] It feels a bit like British people on tour talking to foreigners in that way of going ‘what we want, is we don’t want free movement but we want access to the single market’ and they’re going ‘well, you cannot have that’ and we’re going ‘no you don’t understand, WE WANT…” – Hal Cruttenden

I long for the simpler days when #Brexit was just a term for leaving brunch early.

“Brexit is boring. It and Donald Trump are horrible and pretending there is any nuance left more than that is a waste of time. If the audience can write the same political jokes as you, you don’t belong on stage.” – Sid Singh

Say goodbye to croissants, people. Delicious croissants. We’re stuck with crumpets FOREVER.

“Michael Gove’s right, we don’t need expert analysis. Especially now, they’re all saying we’re screwed.” – Anon

Hello, I am from Britain, you know, the one that got tricked by a bus

And now it’s our Trumpie’s turn

Trump in HTWB article

“Nick Hall: After being advised to put trade tariffs on China and aluminium, Donald Trump said he’d heard of China but which continent was Aluminium on?”

After endless negotiations with North and South Korea, Trump remarked that East and West Korea must be much more peaceful as he never hears from them.

After the Roosevelt Room and the Lincoln Bedroom, Donald Trump says his favourite room in the White House is the Oval Office. He thinks that President Oval was a ‘really really great President.’

Donald Trump is doing all he can to raise the living standards of ordinary Americans. Particularly ex-porn stars.

After visiting Canada for a meeting of the G7, Donald Trump remarked that it was ‘a really great overseas trip’.

Trump was delighted to hear on TV that Mexico were finally building a wall. Unfortunately Trump doesn’t really understand the World Cup.

Donald Trump has a fear of downward slopes. Particularly his approval rating.

How many comedians does it take to change a lightbulb? One to change the lightbulb, and the other 86 to slag off Donald Trump.

If horses are measured in hands, Donald Trump must have the biggest horses in the world.

A monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will eventually come up with the works of Shakespeare, so all Donald Trump really needs to be considered one of the great US presidents is an infinite amount of time and a monkey that can type.

Trump said there are lots of places in London that are no-go areas for regular people. He’s right – they’re called estate agents. When I pay my rent, I feel like I’ve been mugged.

Trump’s unpopular in Scotland, because they don’t trust anyone who lives to 70.

I’ve got some sympathy for Trump. He went for a job, tried to throw the interview but accidentally got it and now he hates it. Reminds me of every interview I had for jobs I didn’t want when I was on benefits.

Trump is giving inspiration to a new generation of kids. Kids would be told ‘Believe in yourself, you can be anything when you grow up, you could be President’. The kids and the parents both knew that there was no chance of it actually happening. Now, it’s a genuine possibility.

Liberals say Trump is a monster because he allegedly had sex with a porn star just weeks after his son was born, didn’t wear a condom and after he finished rolled over, turned on Shark Week and ordered fried chicken. To me that makes him an inspiration. He’s the Motley Crue of politics.

Trump pardoning crazy, right-wing, Indian American Dinesh D’Souza is both the nicest thing he’s ever done for one Indian person and the meanest thing he’s ever done to the rest of us.

Breaking! Trump to pull out of Iran deal. Like with most people and things that he pulls out of, his lawyer Michael Cohen is to pay hush money soon after.

People are mad that Trump wants to be President for life, but based on his diet that just means two years instead of four.

Donald Trump wants to arm teachers, which is crazy, because if Donald Trump’s teachers had been armed, we probably wouldn’t have to hear his stupid opinions on this issue.

Trump hates the first amendment, loves the second amendment, and has no idea what the third amendment is.

Breaking! Justin Trudeau moves to make Canada’s National Anthem gender neutral. Not to be outdone, Trump has drawn a d*** on the US Constitution.

Iran has reminded North Korea not to trust Donald Trump, which is exactly what Marla Maples told Melania.

Many experts worry that by needing the North Korean summit too much Trump gave Kim Jong-un the upper hand. But only a little one.

Aides to President Trump say he normally tears up pieces of paper after he is done reading them – Melania Trump continues to try and hand him their prenup.

Donald Trump continues to get hot and bothered about a steady stream of leaks from the White House, which has confused his staff, as he hasn’t minded those in the past.

Donald Trump has tweeted he wants to help the President of China protect Chinese jobs. Which is something he does have experience doing.

Adult film actress Stormy Daniels’ lawsuit against President Trump for defamation of character is ongoing. She has claimed he called her a liar. In a statement she said, ‘He can’t screw with me like this, at least not again.’

Donald Trump’s trouble with Stormy Daniels all started after his personal lawyer paid the porn star $130,000. The payment was flagged as suspicious by banking authorities. Suspicious, because someone actually got paid as promised by Donald Trump.

It’s been reported that the President is looking forward to Chequers with the Prime Minister. His spokesperson said he’s pretty good at the game.

Donald Trump won’t visit London during his trip to the UK, as he’s classified it as a war zone.

Trump has only made 17 international trips as president so he could focus on domestic issues. He continues to struggle with cleaning staff, especially in hotel rooms.

Trump plans to visit Scotland, to see where his mother was born. He feels a strong connection to the country – he gets his skin tone from Irn-Bru.

I have to have a Trump joke. All comedians do. Otherwise their grandchildren will ask ‘Grandaddy, what did you do in World War 3’? Now, I can say ‘ I made a snide remark in the back room of a pub. To people who already agree with me about Trump.’

Trump is such a pastiche of capitalism. He literally looks more like capitalism than The Monopoly Man. And actually, in Monopoly at least if you come second in the beauty contest you win £10 whereas with Trump he just bursts into your dressing room without knocking.

Trump loves capitalism but hates free trade, which is like being a Destiny’s Child fan who hates Beyoncé.

People say Trump is a Putin puppet, a Manchurian candidate, but Trump is so stupid that his subconscious has probably forgotten the trigger phrase.

Trump is visiting the UK and huge protests are planned, so it will be a nice change for Trump to lie by downplaying a crowd size.

I think it’s disgusting that America has the death penalty, and it must be abolished, but then I remember Donald Trump and his sons may be charged with treason and decide that actually it’d be rude to interfere with local customs.

The weird thing about Trump’s Presidency is that I now actually hope that there is a shadowy cabal deep within the US government dedicated to undermining the democratically elected leader.

Trump’s nothing like Hitler. There’s no way he could write a book.

You can actually make your own Trump policies by going through the incinerator at the Daily Mail and picking through the dust for anything they thought might get them prosecuted.

He’s sort of like a pumpkin having a nervous breakdown. He’s like a sort of corrupt tele-evangelist that Columbo would have as a baddie or something.

His core demographic? Possibly men whose holiday destinations would significantly overlap with a list of missing women.

America has gone from the Obama Years to the Trump Years, like going from the West Wing to a sitcom where the incidental music involves a tuba

With huge thanks to Jokes4Us.com and several others including this hilarious lot …. you guys rock!

And once again, very many thanks for your shares. Let me know if I can reciprocate in anyway. Sz xx

What are your favourite jokes about Brexit, Trump and other ridiculous political issues?

Please share them here!

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